Gay sex is as diverse as the men who have it. For some it means tender closeness in a committed relationship, for others it is spontaneous encounters, dates or sex parties. It's always about the same thing - Pleasure, self-determination and safety.
On this page you will find answers to many questions about gay sex: from the first gay sex about Anal intercourse, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through to topics such as „hard sex“ or sex in special places.
Before the first gay sex A lot of men have the same questions buzzing around in their heads. This is normal and not a sign that you are „too inexperienced“. On the contrary: if you think about it, you take responsibility for yourself and others.
Typical questions are, for example:
Do I have to have anal sex the first time?
Is gay sex without anal intercourse even „real“ sex?
Who has which role - am I active (top) or passive (bottom)?
How do you keep anal sex as clean and pleasant as possible?
Where is a good place for my first gay sex?
What do I do if I don't feel like doing it after all?
You will find detailed answers below.
The short answer: No, you don't have to.
Many people automatically associate gay sex with anal sex. In reality gay sex But much more: kissing, caressing, oral sex, mutual wanking, rubbing, cuddling - all that is sex.
You decide:
whether you want anal sex at all,
when you are ready
and with whom.
If you'd rather „just“ kiss and touch during your first gay sex, that's totally fine.Â
Yes. Sex without anal intercourse is just as real gay sex.
Many men don't have anal sex for a long time or even their whole lives - and still have a fulfilling gay sex life. The important thing is that what you do feels good for both of you.
You can imagine:
It's not about whether a certain body part was „used“, but about whether you felt comfortable.
When it comes to roles, terms such as Top (active, penetrating), Bottom (passive, receiving) or versatile/verse (both possible).
Important here:
You are not „guilty“ of anything“, just because the other person finds you attractive or has more experience.
You must Do not specify, whether you are top or bottom „forever“. Many men only discover what they like over time.
Say honestly: „I don't know what I like yet“ or „I'd rather take it slowly“.
It is good if you talk about it briefly beforehand, what you have in mind:
„Would you like to penetrate me?“
„I think I'd better not try anal sex today.“
Open words are much better than doing something you don't really want to do.
Many people wonder whether gay anal sex „is “clean enough". A few simple points can help you to be more relaxed:
Go to the toilet beforehand. That is often enough.
Showers can give you a good feeling, but is not compulsory.
Some people rinse the rectum with lukewarm water. If you do this, then:
Use only a little water,
No shower gel or soap,
Do not overdo it so as not to irritate the mucous membrane.
Use lubricant. This makes everything more comfortable and reduces minor injuries.
Use condoms, when anal intercourse takes place. They protect against HIV and many STIs and make „accidents“ easier to clean up.
Very important: A little bodily fluid is normal during sex. Perfect „porn cleanliness“ hardly ever exists in reality - and that's okay.
Are you wondering whether and how you should clean yourself before anal intercourse? In the article „The dishwashing drama“You will learn why excessive rinsing does more harm than good – and how you can prepare yourself easily, safely and stress-free.
You must have your first gay sex not in a „typical gay place“ such as a sauna, darkroom or cruising area. More important than the location is that you Safe and comfortable feel.
Possible locations:
at your home or at your partner's,
in a room where you are undisturbed,
in a place that you can say „no“ to and leave at any time.
Besides the big topics of anal sex and roles, there are often other thoughts:
„Can you tell how inexperienced I am?“
- Honesty often has a more relaxed effect than pretending that you have already experienced everything.
„What if I don't get an erection?“
- This happens to many men, especially when they are nervous. It's not a failure. You can cuddle, kiss, continue later - or just leave it at that.
„Can I stop in the middle?“
- Yes. You may always Say stop for any reason. A respectful partner accepts this without discussion.
„Should I tell him it's my first time?“
- You don't have to, but it can help. Many people are then more careful and show more consideration.
„How do I address HIV, PrEP or condoms?“
- For example, you can say: „It's important to me that we use condoms“ or „How do you protect yourself from HIV? I want us to talk about it openly.“
„What if I don't like something?“
- Say it calmly: „That doesn't feel good right now“ or „Let's try something else.“
There is not the one KindThe abbreviation ART stands for antiretroviral therapy. - It refers to the treatment of an HIV infection with special medication that prevents the... Mehr, how gay sex works. Many people think of anal sex first, but gay sex involves much more:
Kissing, stroking, cuddling
Oral sex
Hand sex (for example mutual wanking)
rubbing, body contact, sex without penetration
Role-playing games, fetishes - if both (or all) participants agree
The decisive factor is that all parties involved agree and feel comfortable. Communication is the most important part of good gay sex: „What do you like?“, „What is taboo?“, „Condom yes/no?“, „Are you on PrEP?“.
For many gay anal sex to sex life - for others not at all. Both are completely okay. If you want anal sex, a few basics will help:
Use lubricant. Preferably water- or silicone-based. This makes sex more comfortable and reduces the risk of minor injuries.
Start slowly. The sphincter muscle needs time to relax. First fingers, then possibly toys, then penis - step by step.
Condoms protect. The risk of HIV and other STIs is particularly high during anal sex. Condoms provide good protection, especially in combination with personal lubricant.
Cleanliness - but without compulsion. Many people feel more comfortable if the bowel is emptied beforehand. However, rinsing too aggressively can irritate the mucous membrane.
Pain is a warning signal: if it hurts, slow down, use more lubricant or stop.
On the subject of gay sex HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) play an important role. The good news is that there are many ways to protect yourself today.
Before HIV protect against everything:
Condoms, especially during anal intercourse and oral penetration
PrEP, if you often have sex without a condom
U=UU = U stands for "undetectable = untransmittable". This means that - People with HIV,... MehrIf an HIV-positive person is well treated and the virus is undetectable, they do not pass on HIV during sex
PEP as an emergency after a risk contact
In addition to HIV, there are other STIs such as Chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, HepatitisThe term hepatitis means inflammation of the liver. It can be caused by various factors - most commonly by viruses, but also by alcohol. Mehr A/B/C and Genital wartsGenital warts (medical term: condylomata acuminata) are skin lesions in the genital and anal area. - They are caused by certain types of HPV (human papillomavirus... Mehr (HPV). Many can be treated well, some can be prevented by vaccination. Regular HIV and STI tests, condoms, gloves if necessary when FistsFisting is a sexual practice in which a hand or forearm is inserted into the vagina or anus. Important aspects... Mehr and clean toys significantly reduce the risk - and help you to enjoy your gay sex in a relaxed way.
Gay sex in porn often looks perfect, hard and limitless. That can be fun - but it's important to know: Porn is entertainment, not instruction.
Boundaries, pain or insecurities are rarely shown.
Often they shoot without a condom - in reality you should always make a conscious decision about protection.
Body, penis size and stamina are often not realistic.
Enjoy using porn for arousal, but don't constantly compare yourself to it. Your real sex doesn't have to look like a film.
The articles listed below are „Seven Rules for Watching Porn“, a guide on how to enjoy porn in a relaxed and stress-free manner, and „More Than Just Sex“, an article about what else might be important to you in real gay sex besides porn images.
Some men find the idea of gay sex in the forest or gay sex on the beach particularly appealing - because of the thrill or the anonymity. Bear in mind:
Legal situation: In many countries, sex in public places can be considered a public nuisance. Find out what applies in your country.
Security: Dark or remote places can be risky - pay attention to your gut feeling and walk away if in doubt.
Hygiene & protection: Condoms and lubricants are more difficult to handle outdoors and dirt can get into small wounds.
If you use such places, make conscious decisions, take protective equipment with you and take good care of yourself.
Want to know what sex between men really looks like in unusual places – and what you should watch out for? In „Gay Sex in a Syrian Hamam,“ you'll find out what can happen in a hamam. „Gay Cruising in the Gym“ shows what happens in changing rooms. And „In the Woods with Men Who Cruise Because Grindr Bores Them“ tells you about the freedoms, but also the risks, of sex in the great outdoors.
Whether you are on rough gay sex or you're more into tenderness - both are okay. The important thing is always
ConsensusAll parties involved must clearly agree. A „maybe“ is not a yes.
Safewords: Clear stop signals are useful for harder practices.
Respect body boundariesNo violence, no humiliation that you do not explicitly want.
Keeping an eye on the bodyBreathing, pain, circulation - if something is not right, take a break or cancel.
Rough sex can be pleasurable if it is respectful, agreed and safe.
The blog below is about consent during sex: you will learn why a clear yes is important, how to set boundaries and what is important when it comes to consent, especially in gay sex – for respectful encounters and greater safety.
Gay sex is not just about technology. It also touches on topics such as:
Coming out
Shame or fear
Body image and self-esteem
Pressure from apps, porn or community expectations
Seek support if you notice that something is bothering you - friends, counselling centres, self-help groups or queer communities can help. You don't have to go it alone.
The blog below is about feelings of shame that many men experience when it comes to gay sex, bodies or lust. You will learn where such feelings can come from, how they affect your sex life – and what can help you to be more relaxed with yourself.
Gay sex can be tender, wild, experimental or completely classical. There is no „right“ or „wrong“ as long as:
all parties involved agree,
limits must be respected,
you inform yourself about protection against HIV and STIs and
you listen to your own feelings.
You decide which KindThe abbreviation ART stands for antiretroviral therapy. - It refers to the treatment of an HIV infection with special medication that prevents the... Mehr of gay sex suits you - and that may change in the course of your life.
To gay sex includes everything that two (or more) men do together voluntarily: Kissing, caressing, oral sex, mutual wanking, rubbing, anal sex or cuddling. It doesn't always have to be penetration for it to be „real“ sex.
No. Many men have gay sex without anal intercourse - and still experience it as fulfilling. You decide what suits you: Just kissing, oral sex, touching or anal sex when you're ready.
At the Sex between men Many people talk about top (active) and bottom (passive). You only realise what you like when you try things out. You can tell your partner that you are still unsure or that you want to try both. You don't have to have a fixed role.
Rest is important, Lubricant gel and good communication. Go to the toilet beforehand, start slowly and listen to your body. Condoms protect against HIV and many STIs during gay anal sex. If something hurts, take a break or stop.
A place where you feel safe and comfortable is best: a private flat or a room where you are undisturbed. Public or very anonymous places (e.g. forest, park) can pose additional risks and are often not ideal for the very first gay sex.
This happens to many men - often out of nervousness. This doesn't make you „unmanly“ and you haven't failed. You can kiss, cuddle or try something else. The important thing is that the pressure is off and you can talk about it openly.
You can address the topic directly, for example: „It's important to me that we use condoms“ or „How do you protect yourself against HIV? I'm thinking about PrEP.“ If you want to have responsible gay sex, you can talk about protection without feeling ashamed.
Porn shows a fantasy of gay sex, not an instruction manual. Body, hardness and duration are often exaggerated, limits or insecurities are rarely shown. You can enjoy porn - but don't constantly compare yourself to it and rather orientate yourself on what feels good for you.
Yes, consent is the basis of good gay sex. You can change what you want at any time - even in the middle. A respectful partner accepts a „no“ or „stop“ without discussion.
Whether you have questions about gay sex, your body, HIV, PrEP or your coming out - sometimes it helps to talk to someone calmly.
Use the Gay Health Chat - the button at the bottom right will accompany you on the page. There you get anonymous and free of charge:
Personal live advice in the chat
Help by e-mail or telephone
Information on gay sex, coming out, sexuality, health and more