Chemsex: One-way street into the sunset

Would you like to tell us how you ended up using after all?

My first time using drugs was with a guy in his early twenties, incredibly fit, kind of like a porn star. We knew each other from various group parties and I also knew that he used drugs. And then suddenly I had this super-hot guy all to myself. On top of that, I had just become single again, things weren't going well at work and he was also feeling down, suffering from heartbreak. Then something happened that I only really realised afterwards. I thought: Man, the sex with this guy was really hot, if we can take it to the next level and get on the same wavelength by using together, then we'll ride off into the sunset together. The old dream was back: relationship, marriage, children. So I had found my drug in crystal meth. And I immediately had a craving for it (craving stands for „irresistible desire“; editor's note).

What happened next?

It didn't happen so quickly at first, because I realised that something really big had happened to me. The next chemsex wasn't until three months later. It was after a friend's wedding. It was super romantically staged, it was incredibly cheesy and everyone was so warm and loving towards each other. When I left the party, I was drunk and very melancholy. When I got home, I opened the "blue pages" and actually wanted to find something for my heart.

For the heart?

No, for bed, of course. But the ulterior motive was always to find the right guy at some point. During this search, I came across a guy who said he'd been "on" for three days and still had something there. I then met up with him, but was kicked out after half an hour.

Why?

In my melancholy, I was very cuddly and had the feeling that he needed closeness rather than sex. But he just wanted to be taken roughly, which didn't work for me anymore. I had previously gone through a phase with amphetamines and ended up on Androskat (a medication to aid erections; editor's note) because the blue pills were no longer working, and on my second attempt, I immediately injected myself with priapism.

That's a permanent erection, isn't it?

Yes, but I didn't realise that straight away at the time and only went to the hospital 28 hours later, which was almost too late. As a result, my penis looked so damaged that I didn't want to subject anyone else to it. I can count myself lucky that everything is working again today and I don't need a prosthesis.

But that hasn't stopped you from continuing to use Chems?

No. I had spoken to friends about it at the time. They advised me to look for a call boy. They certainly wouldn't reject me because of my damaged cock. Everything had healed, but the scars were visible. I then found one who felt so warm and cosy again. Suddenly he said that he had something else with him and asked if we wanted a smoke.

And by smoking you don't mean weed?

No, I always mean crystal meth.

But I have to say, and I'm really glad about this, I only ever smoked crystal and never used it intravenously. At some point, it started to affect my voice, so I used it rectally.

Can you describe when you only had sex with substances?

It started with this callboy, with whom I then had an affair. I no longer had to pay for sex, but I made sure that there was always enough stuff. In the beginning, we only did it at the weekend. At some point, he came round on a Wednesday and said: Let's have some. I refused at first because I had an incredibly important appointment at the office the next day. But we took it after all and, surprisingly, the appointment somehow still worked out. But then the "weekend rule" was broken and I also used during sex during the week.

From then on, your consumption increased?

Yes, and the crazy thing was that no one seemed to notice. Neither my colleagues nor my friends. But it's important to me to emphasise that I only used it regularly for a very short period of time – from September 2019 to March 2020.

Would you have liked more support from your friends?

They couldn't have helped me because my consumption took place in a parallel universe. To the outside world, I was the "successful philistine" with a subscription to the Philharmonie who sang in the Catholic choir. And at the same time, I was living in a consumer universe that was taking up more and more space and even liked to go out on Thursday evenings.

How has your sex changed as a result?

That also crept up on me. At first, I was still focused on closeness and connection. But that changed. In the beginning, when I was still active, with the help of Androskat, it was still okay; but at some point, I became passive and treated my partners very rudely.

I wanted cocks and cum. The more, the better, and if one couldn't cum, I left him standing there.

You've already said that you only really used for six months. Why did you stop?

It became increasingly unsatisfactory. The turning point came in a conversation with friends. I had promised them I would drive them. Even though I was in a state where I shouldn't have done it. I am so grateful that I didn't have an accident. The next day, my friends wanted to talk to me and confronted me with the fact that they asked me three times yesterday if I had consumed anything. I said no three times. Honestly, I couldn't remember anything. Nothing at all. That was the point for me to say: Enough. I need help. This is not the life I want for myself.

Where did you find help?

I then summoned up the strength and went straight to the SHALK self-help group on Monday. There I was advised very strongly to go to a clinic. After a lot of back and forth and another relapse, I was finally admitted to a private clinic shortly before the first lockdown. And it's really difficult to find a good clinic that is really open about this topic. But I was lucky enough to have a good GP who knew about the subject and referred me to this clinic.

Did you come into contact with David Fawcett's book during the cure?

Yes, but funnily enough not through the therapist team at the clinic, but through another client there. He had lived in London for a long time and recommended the English version to me. I then read the book and thought that I would like to talk to lots of people about it.

When you take all the factors together, can you estimate how much the book, the clinic and the therapy sessions have helped you in your recovery?

Fifty-fifty, I would say. The book introduced me to topics that were not addressed at the clinic, nor in the chemsex group. I also learned a lot about myself while reading it.

What moved me most was the self-deprecation that David Fawcett addresses in his book. Specifically in relation to me: my self-deprecation as a gay man on the one hand, and as an HIV-positive gay man on the other. At the clinic, I began to learn to treat myself with respect as a gay man and in all aspects of my life.

What would you say we as a community need from doctors, but also from ourselves, in order to treat ourselves well - with or without Chems?

Doctors need more expertise and understanding. And I expect less marginalisation, more acceptance and more knowledge about HIV prevention from the so-called community. Rejecting someone as a sexual partner in 2023 because they are HIV-positive is not an option.

Do you like your cock again now?

Yes, I like him again!