What does consensus mean in sex?
In Germany, any sexual act without the consent of all parties involved (affirmative consent) is a punishable offence. Affirmative consent describes a situation in which all parties involved consciously, voluntarily and actively agree to a sexual act. A sexual act could include any form of physical interaction of a sexual nature, such as kissing, hugging, touching or sexual intercourse. Consent must be unambiguous - regardless of whether it is given verbally or non-verbally. It can be withdrawn at any time and requires that no force, coercion or manipulation is involved. A „yes“ to a certain action does not automatically mean consent to other actions, and prior consent does not automatically apply to future interactions. Silence or the absence of resistance does not constitute consent. Consent is only possible if all parties involved can make clear decisions. Alcohol, drugs or health impairments can limit this ability. In such cases, it is crucial to recognise whether the other person is incapable of acting.
An important step in promoting affirmative consent was the introduction of the „Antioch College Sexual Offense Prevention Policy“ in 1991 at Antioch College in Ohio-USA. The policy responded to growing concerns about sexual assault on college campuses. Feminist movements shaped this approach. The goal was a culture of mutual respect: consent had to be active, conscious and voluntary. This policy transformed the understanding of consent, helped prevent sexual assault and created a new standard for dealing with sexual consent. This pioneering work paved the way for modern approaches in queer spaces too.
Harjyot Khalsa
Consensus in queer safe spaces
Queer spaces often serve as safe places for people who experience discrimination because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Many event organisers therefore take special care to ensure that everyone involved feels physically and emotionally safe. They create clear lines of communication and respect individual boundaries. However, even within queer spaces, there are differences in how consensus is lived and implemented, which can also depend on the respective location and its circumstances.
However, if for some reason someone behaves inappropriately without respecting the consensus of others, this should not be a reason for punishment or exclusion, but an opportunity to learn from it. In a time of constant political correction, the space for punishment should be replaced by alternative approaches that promote education and personal growth. Non-binary mediator Joris Kern has been giving workshops on sexuality and consent to people working in educational fields since 2009, trying to define consent as an attitude or culture and not just a method. Joris has written two books on consent: Sex but the right way and Consensus culture. He*she also learned about the differences in queer spaces while working in the organisation team of a sex-positive FLINTA party.
How consensus is lived in FLINTA and gay spaces
„It's exciting to see how the spaces and dynamics differ at gay and FLINTA parties, especially when they take place in the same venue but at different times,” says Joris. The atmosphere at FLINTA parties is often quieter. Many participants get to know each other first and talk to each other. This gradually creates a feeling of security and consent before they get physically close or go into the darkroom. In contrast, physical contact was the main focus at the gay parties.
The participants moved around the room and were already able to make contact, often until someone explicitly said they didn't want to. „Both approaches have their opportunities and challenges. The gay scene could benefit from encouraging more communication during and before interactions, while the spontaneity and impulsivity in gay cruising spaces would be a strength that FLINTA spaces could capitalise on. It's important to create spaces that allow for both pleasure and spontaneity but also ensure that everyone involved feels comfortable and respected,” Joris continues.
Consensus in the club: the SchwuZ example
The legendary SchwuZ club in Berlin, which emerged from Homosexuelle Aktion Westberlin (HAW), is known for its sex-positive parties that create a safe and inclusive space for the LGBTIQ+ community. Their website clearly states: "Consensus distinguishes sex from sexualised violence, among other things.". David Degener from the awareness team there emphasises that consent is not a term that many people take for granted. He conveys the team's understanding that people have different backgrounds and experiences that influence their behaviour and their understanding of consent. A young person from a small village who came out at the age of 18 and wants to try out Berlin's kink parties may have less experience in queer spaces than someone who grew up in Berlin. These different socialisation conditions can lead to some people unconsciously acting awkwardly because they lack the necessary knowledge.
What happens when boundaries are crossed?
When a person tells the team about an unpleasant experience, the team initially believes them and asks what they want and need. Many of those affected do not know how to deal with the situation at first. Some assaultive experiences only become clear to them later. David gives the following example: „I was kissed and didn't actually say anything. I don't even know how to deal with it.“ The context also plays an important role. If a BPoC person is repeatedly touched by the hair without being asked, it is not just a case of assault by consent, but also racist violence. Similar situations can also arise during sexual encounters in the darkroom.
When protection has priority
There are cases where a person's behaviour endangers other guests. Such people are taken out of the club by the team and it is explained to them why they are being taken out. „One of my first cases was about a person who was hugging other people repeatedly and without their consent,“ David reports. „This person, who was intoxicated, would often hold people and not let them go, despite their pleas.
One affected guest often said: ‚No, please don't touch me‘. This person was eventually expelled and wrote us an email a year after the incident.” The team does not tolerate any form of perpetrator protection but believes that people should have the chance to learn and change. When someone is expelled from the club, the person concerned receives a card with an email address. This allows the person to get in touch with the feedback team later and talk about the case in peace.
Learning instead of just punishing
David takes the time to do this and, together with the management, is primarily responsible for answering these emails. „It is important that there is a high level of confidentiality and that these processes are discussed. Of course, this takes a few days because I bring in all perspectives and don't want to prejudge anyone,“ he explains. The dialogue allows different perspectives to be brought in and topics such as boundaries, consumption and behaviour to be discussed. This dialogue could even lead to the person concerned being allowed back into the club after reflecting on the incident. „I don't want to swing a hammer and say: guilty or innocent, but rather enter into a dialogue and educate people,“ says David.
Consensus accident or assault?
Joris takes a similar view, believing that sanctions or punishments are not always the best solution and that a distinction must be made between accidents and assaults. An assault occurs when someone disregards another person's boundaries and possibly deliberately tries to overstep them. An accident, on the other hand, often occurs when both parties believe that they are acting consensually but later realise that this was not the case. This can happen due to unclear agreements or misunderstandings.
„After a consensual accident, it's important to take responsibility and learn from it,“ explains Joris. „Together, the parties involved can discuss what they can learn from the situation and do differently in future.“ This can mean being more aware of your own limits, asking questions more often or paying more attention to the influence of alcohol and other substances. If people work through a consensual accident well, this can even strengthen trust and understanding. An assault, on the other hand, requires distance and protection for the person affected.
Consensus is a process
Joris emphasises that punishment for punishment's sake does not help - even if exclusion is seen as revenge. Instead, safe spaces should be created. At the same time, people who want to learn from their mistakes need support. Those who have behaved inappropriately should be given the opportunity to reflect on their own behaviour, change and understand the consequences of their actions. „While safety is the top priority, it is important to combine protection with the possibility of rehabilitation,“ adds Joris.
Consensus as a process
This is why Joris prefers to speak of consensus rather than consensus, as a continuous process in which something new always develops and new impulses emerge that could change things. „Between ‚yes‘ and ‚no‘ there is also a ‚maybe‘, and you can negotiate that. It's about creating the framework for experiments.“ Joris emphasises the openness in sexual encounters, whereby sometimes unexpectedly beautiful things arise when we don't strictly adhere to our ideas. This requires us to make ourselves a little vulnerable. „There is also always a beginning and a stop.
A ‚no‘ always has to be accepted, anything else is abusive. „It doesn't matter whether the “no„ comes from another person or from myself,“ explains Joris. "Consensus often sounds like black and white: yes or no, one or zero. Consensus, on the other hand, is evolving. What I experienced as consensual five or ten years ago, I may see differently today because I have learnt more about my own needs. That doesn't mean it was wrong back then. But today I have a better understanding of what I need and how I want to interact with others."
When consensus enables participation
This openness is also evident in David's experiences at SchwuZ. He talks about a person in a wheelchair. She went to a darkroom for the first time and later told us how much she enjoyed the evening there. Before every interaction, others asked her if everything was OK for her. „Normally she doesn't get much attention. That evening, people asked her nicely how she was doing. „Everything went respectfully and smoothly in the darkroom too.“ It was a new, positive experience for her. Feedback like this shows how important simple questions are. A clear „yes“ or „no“ can help to create a respectful and inclusive environment.
Frequently asked questions about consensus
What does consent mean in sex? Why is it so important in queer spaces? And how can consent be clearly communicated? Here we answer key questions about consent, boundaries and respectful encounters.
Consent means that all participants consciously, voluntarily and unambiguously agree to a sexual act. This consent can be verbal or non-verbal. It is important to note that consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Queer spaces should enable protection, freedom and self-determination. Clear communication, respected boundaries and mutual respect are particularly important in places where people have experienced discrimination or marginalisation.
Yes, consensus can also be expressed non-verbally, for example through clear body language. Nevertheless, it must be clearly recognisable that everyone involved is in agreement. Silence or a lack of resistance is not enough.
A consensual accident can occur when those involved assume that there is consensus, but later realise that boundaries were unclear or misunderstood. An assault occurs when boundaries are disregarded or deliberately crossed.
It is important to take your own perceptions seriously. Those affected can turn to friends, awareness teams, counselling centres or people they trust. They do not have to know immediately how they want to categorise or deal with the situation.
Asking for consent can be as simple as „Is this okay for you?“, „Do you like this?“ or „Should we continue?“ Such questions can create closeness, trust and safety - especially in sexual or sex-positive spaces.
Need someone to talk to?
Whether acute or simply for orientation - sometimes it helps to talk to someone in confidence.
Use the Gay Health Chat - the button at the bottom right will accompany you on the page. There you can chat anonymously and free of charge:
- Personal live advice in the chat
- Help by e-mail or telephone
- Information on health, law, everyday life and more
