The first step: fear and excitement
We both often experience similar, but also very different things when cruising. Tell us how it started for you!
The first time I wanted to cruise in the park, I was extremely scared. I just didn't know how! The idea of someone realising that I'm trans* and then not wanting me anymore. Or is even angry with me. I'd experienced this before when dating. I could have just told the men, but when I'm cruising, I don't want to talk. That's the attraction for me. My urge to do it was very strong. Exciting in a positive sense. For me, it felt like I belonged to a secret group whose language only a few people speak. My male passing was good. I quickly aroused the interest of others.
At the same time, it was a dilemma because it wasn't a passing as a trans* person: I was read as 100 % cis, which wasn't my goal at all. I would rather have been read as who I really am. And as a person of colour, I'm read as much more masculine anyway, no matter how I dress. What I actually needed was a scene in which cis men didn't set themselves as the standard. But that didn't happen.
I know that. Many people think that we as trans* people can be grateful to be allowed to be present in cis places. But for me it's rather boring when other trans* men are missing. I would like to play more with trans* gay men, but many are put off by the trans* hostile vibe of cruising venues. I know myself how hard it was to overcome that.
Yes, unfortunately. I imagined a darkroom full of trans* people. I would have walked in there naked, positively excited. I would hardly have had any inhibitions about being touched there, without this fear of being rejected because of my genitals. There are now offers for T4T cruising [trans* for trans*]. And there are also some places where trans* and cis people can come together. I could only dream of that in the past.
Rejection, violence and trans* hostility
The party thing is cool, but there aren't many outside of Berlin. It's a great addition, but it contradicts the cruising vibe of now-because-I-have-buck. We trans* people always have to plan sex and take on a lot for it.
When cruising, the good and bad sides are more extreme. It's easier to find someone than when dating, but you also get rejection more blatantly and often more violently in your face. When I'm cruising and I hear a cis man warning others that „now there are women in the shop who claim to be men, or only look like men but aren't real“, I don't go home in protest until I've had sex with someone twice more. Once, a bloke had a go at my cock. When he realised it was different, he laughed in my face with great contempt: how dare I be here. That hits hard. But I've also learnt from the old cis men that I don't let haters take my lust away from me.
I think you're pretty brave. I don't think we'll ever be able to cruise as freely and uninhibitedly as cis men. That pains me. There are alternatives, but it's not the same. Honestly, it's also dangerous. Enough cis guys get aggressive when they don't get what they think they're getting! They think they're entitled to their expectation. That entitlement is so exhausting. We don't talk enough about violence in gay spaces, especially cis gay men!
It must also be said that case law in some countries is again so far advanced that our passing, i.e. the alleged concealment, justifies violence. Entitlement will therefore also increase again. It's important to me that young people in particular understand the context. Even if I want to encourage young people not to be deterred from cruising. - But, tell me, what happened with the parks and you?
It went so far that I spoke to my therapist about it. I really wanted to have sex in the park. I'd often been there to look, but I didn't want to just watch, I didn't want to feel like a peeping Tom. Unfortunately, the parks are not safe at all. The police have stepped up their checks. Bushes were thinned out, street lamps were put up. I saw boys fucking. Suddenly car headlights were pointed at them and the cops took them away in their cars. For some, it was like a thrill, waking up. As a person of colour, however, I've experienced so much racial profiling that the mere sight of police totally puts me off, it's not a thrill for me. Cruising is pretty unsafe for me as a trans* person of colour. - What do you like about cruising?
What makes cruising so appealing
I like how easy it is to be horny among men, how easily they can be infected: One minute it's dead in the poorly frequented bar and suddenly there's a pack in the darkroom, all wanking and blowing each other so hard there's no stopping them. This availability and the sheer number of men give me a great feeling of freedom. I really enjoy it, especially with the older men. They have a radical love for male lust, which I experience as my own kind of resistance against homophobia, lust and body hostility.
I once went to a BDSM shop to cruise at a Combat party after I'd already played at some great queer parties. I was barely there when I realised: Okay, nobody seems to be into me. Bundeswehr uniforms everywhere. I realised that I was alone among white - and presumably some right-wing - men. My trans*ness wasn't the problem here - it didn't even get that far! - but that I wasn't white. I left the party and will never attend it again. These were all important experiences. I first had to learn how to cruise: when, where, with whom. Not knowing what's going to happen is what makes it so exciting for me. I also experience a lot of positive things: men full of desire to have sex with me. If there's no talking, there are no stupid, trans*-hostile or racist comments that turn me off.
Racism and exclusion in queer spaces
Oh man, that sounds really bad. I would have been really scared. Cruising makes extremes more visible: how the white-dominated community ignores its racism in restaurants, in cultural spaces, in counselling structures. But in your example, it's even more blatant and dangerous. And nobody feels responsible for changing that.
I'm usually well received at night by those who reject me during the day. Romeo works well, but people like to delete profiles afterwards. Many cis-gay men are ashamed that they also fancy trans* people. That's a tough scene. It's funny when exactly the same men create a profile again and write to me again. Because they actually liked it.
I know that one. So embarrassing! I'm also familiar with fatphobia. There are a lot of people who secretly get really horny with fat bodies, but then don't want to be seen with the person. Just no social connection. Interestingly, this also applies to fat_fat men who don't work on their internalised fatphobia. They just melt away during sex and never stop cumming. And then they have to run away quickly ... It's also bizarre, because as activists we would also like to call it a day and only think about sex, not politics. But we always get the short end of the stick. - Is there a setting where you feel more comfortable?
Safety vs. pleasure: a constant dilemma
I feel comfortable where I'm safe. But I'm horny in forbidden and rather unsafe places. Those are two different things. It's really difficult to find a compromise here. I don't want to put myself in danger or give up my pleasure. And you?
I love cruising in bars, saunas or outside where I'm relatively safe. Then I feel like the world is my adventure playground. It gives me a bit of my youth back, which was full of depression and complexes - and always with too little sex! I fit in and move around in big city communities, and as a native German speaker I have easier access to testing services than migrant trans* people or those from the countryside. We are so traumatised in the healthcare system! For many, the question is: Am I putting my health at risk? Do I have to be discriminated against before I can get help? - But tell me: Did you actually go to the park or not?
Hahaha, yes, at some point my therapist had had enough. She told me to take my anxiety in hand and finally live what I miss so much. That's what I did. It was 11 pm, I was in a gay leather club, the park not far away. Two beers and I was brave enough for the park. With the thought: „Let's see, I don't have to do anything.“ It was summer and busy. A guy looked deep into my eyes and suddenly everything was easy. We were making out, both very aroused. We grabbed each other's trousers, he was chilled. I didn't have to explain anything. I've experienced that time and time again. Once we're aroused, it often seems very easy to overcome trans* hostility. Suddenly what seemed unthinkable before becomes possible. Sex is a good opportunity to make an activist change. We even went for a beer afterwards. His sperm stains on my jacket the next morning - just hot!
Cool, so it was definitely worth going out with fear. I've also experienced that being horny reduces trans* hostility. Also that cis men take good care of themselves. Even if they are irritated at first because my cock feels different. If they then realise that their boner remains stable, no matter what, then they treat themselves generously. On the one hand, it's great fun, but on the other, you have to fulfil their expectations first. Many have this one fantasy and there's hardly any room for it when cruising.
As trans*masculine people in particular, we have to learn to get what we need and desire. And accept rejection. That takes a lot of courage. In that sense, cruising is a school for life.
What we can learn from cruising
I've learnt so much: that cis men are also afraid, insecure and therefore often perform, take Viagra, that they are also very hard on each other. Not everything is trans*-hostile, a lot of things are simply part of cruising culture. It's not so easy to separate that out, but it's important. Also that cis men are quite good at cancelling encounters or saying no if they no longer like it. Also that a no is taken as a no. - I've learnt how great it feels when I've gone out despite my fears and simply been able to experience beautiful moments.
That's right. When talking to me, trans* guys are often surprised: they know me as an activist who harshly criticises older cis-gay men in particular. They are surprised by the deep appreciation and love that I also feel for them. This has developed while cruising with them, among other things.
My preferences, what I find sexier on some bodies than others, that hardly plays a role for me when cruising. The energy, the vibe that someone brings, and of course what you feel like doing - that's what counts. And: what's hot when I put my expectations at the back ...
Yes, I've had that experience too. With men who had no specific expectations and were open, it could be quite exciting and thrilling - in other words, whenever there was no script to fulfil! Sometimes my trans*ness triggers curiosity. It's an advantage, so to speak. Older gay cis men in particular, who have already had a lot of sex in their lives, are often grateful for new experiences.
Many are looking for something very special. And as a trans* man, I notice that straight away. For example, someone wants to go down on me, but then realises that my cock feels different than expected and leaves. I often can't understand that because cis dicks are already so different in themselves.
All in all, cruising has a lot to offer. You can try out and practise a lot, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment or your relationship partner is overwhelmed by your testo-puberty lust.
During the conversation, we repeatedly pointed out the dangers that we trans* people face when cruising. It's important to me that potential newcomers are aware of this, but don't put anything off. Don't wait until we live in a world or a community where it's safer. Because that may not happen in your lifetime. If you feel like you can handle the negatives, then go right ahead. Let's go cruising! If not, find opportunities, like parties, that feel safer, or start them, organise what you need. Don't waste your precious (sex) life!
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