My first sadomasochistic experience in a gay sauna

When looks say it all

Every now and then, there’s that wonderful moment when your eyes meet. The eyes you’re looking into start to sparkle and shine. The other person’s face appears harmonious and radiant. The corners of your own mouth and the little lines around your eyes begin to twitch slightly. You can’t see yourself, but you can sense that you’re sending exactly the same signal. A connection is formed, one that sometimes lasts only a fraction of a second, yet opens the door to so much more. Without knowing anything about the other person – neither their preferences nor their taboos – you know that things could work out between you. It is precisely the fact that almost everything remains a mystery so far that makes it exciting. It’s clear that you still have to set out on a journey of discovery, but also that the search will be successful. Curiosity about each other spreads gently, warming and tingling throughout your whole body.

An encounter in the gay sauna

I had an encounter like that in the south of France. To be more precise, in a gay sauna in Bordeaux. I was on my way to the changing rooms because I was actually planning to leave. He was standing in the shower; at first I could only see him from behind. The water ran down his broad, hairy back, down to a lovely, plump bum, where it lingered before finally dripping onto the floor. Just as I was about to round the corner, he turned round and we were connected. It struck like a bolt of lightning and was gone just as quickly. A few steps further on, I stopped and needed a few minutes to calm down. I felt drained, as if after a wild binge. I didn’t realise what it was, but I wanted more of that feeling.

When eye contact turns into desire

Of course I went back; I had no other choice. I was sure he was waiting for me somewhere. Not because I thought I was particularly beautiful, sexy or hot – that’s always a matter of taste, after all – but because I knew he felt exactly the same way as I did. It wasn’t about me being desirable in and of myself, nor was it about him being so. It was about the fact that he happened to come across me and I happened to come across him. That chemistry is only triggered by the right combination.

He was lying in a half-darkened cubicle, in a slightly reddish light. With his back against the wall, his big belly and massive thighs looked even more attractive. The situation made me horny, because this is exactly the type of guy I fancy. But it was only when I looked at his face that the intense feeling of connection returned. I couldn't see the smile across his mouth because of his full beard, but the tightening skin around his eyes spoke for itself. I accepted this invitation and locked the door behind me.

Sadomasochism without a common language

Our faces were now right in front of each other, our gazes locked, and he said a few sentences in French. I didn’t understand a word, and my language skills were only enough to reply with a moaning „Ouiiiiii!“ before we kissed. I could have rewritten the lyrics of a song that was all the rage back then to go, „Je ne parle pas français, but please carry on fucking me!“ We made out for quite a while, pausing every now and then so we could look at each other. Suddenly, he turned me round and, as if this burly daddy I was now lying beneath wasn’t gift enough already, he gave me a gentle, almost tender slap across the cheek. He fixed me with his gaze and waited until I understood: „Oh, oui!“

My first experience of sadomasochism

I’d never let a man hit me before. As time went on, he hit me harder and harder, gripped me tighter, fucked me more fiercely and tormented me in a pleasurable, arousing way by playing with and varying his speed, positions and intensity. It was my first experience of sadomasochism – and what an experience it was.

When dominance and trust come together

I used the „Oui!“ rather playfully as the evening went on; we didn’t need words to communicate with one another. Our glances were enough, and what lay within them made me feel safe and supported. I forgot everything around us and was completely focused on the flow we were in. There was no boundary he could have crossed, because, in some wondrous way, he seemed to know just how far he could go and take me. He recognised what I needed and gave it to me. He recognised me. And it was exactly the same the other way round. Making the conscious decision to allow men to hit and dominate me turns me on. When the sex is good, I feel seen, accepted and part of something.

For me, sex is the most powerful way of being shown that I’m OK. Powerful, because there are no words for some things – or none are needed – yet they can still be communicated through the use of our bodies. It’s okay because I reveal my innermost self, surrender and put myself in the other person’s hands, and they acknowledge me and my needs – and even fulfil them. It’s a mutual permission to do so. In that wonderful moment in Bordeaux, the stranger and I didn’t just see and recognise each other, but we also sensed that our own pieces of the jigsaw fit together.

Frequently asked questions about sadomasochism

Sadomasochism can combine pleasure, dominance, submission, pain and trust. Voluntary consent, clear boundaries and treating one another with care are essential. Here, we answer five common questions about sadomasochism.

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