Tag: Role models

Many guys just want to fuck - but what's behind it? The text asks: What does fucking actually mean to you - just physical contact or also closeness, trust and responsibility? „Fucking is nice“ when everyone is really up for it, boundaries are respected and protection is a matter of course. Instead of just thinking „fuck.“ it's about talking openly about desires, risks and safer sex so that pleasure and safety go together. The article shows this: Fucking is beautiful when we consciously decide how we want to live, love and, of course, fuck.

What is „fucking“ anyway?

Many people talk about it, some just want to fuck, others are looking for more. But what is fucking for you personally - just quick sex or also closeness, trust and responsibility? When we say „fuck“, it often sounds harsh and direct. But there's more to it than that: feelings, boundaries, lust and the question of how we treat each other. Fucking is great when everyone is really into it and it's clear what's going on.

Just fuck and still take care of each other

„Just fuck“ doesn't mean that you don't have to care about anything. Especially among gay men, it's also about protection from HIV and other STIs. Many want to live a free and self-determined life - sex, dating, open relationships, one-night stands. At the same time, they want to stay healthy. That's where it gets exciting: how can you just fuck and still take good care of yourself and others?

And this is where our role models come into play: three boys, three strategies and each one deals differently with relationships, condoms and HIV protection.

Three men. Three perspectives.

Our role models Christian, Stephan and Harry talk about relationships and protection against HIV.

Pledges of fidelity? An open relationship? Having sex without a condom within a relationship? The lads from ICH WEISS WAS ICH TU take very different approaches to the topics of relationships and HIV prevention. A conversation with Christian, Stephan and Harry.

Most gay men protect themselves against HIV – but they use very different strategies to do so. Harry only practises safe sex outside his relationship – so that he and his boyfriend can go without condoms. Stephan did exactly the same and ended up contracting HIV. And Christian longs for true love, Hollywood-style. Until that happens, he’ll definitely be using condoms.

We arranged for Christian, Harry and Stephan to have a chat. By the way: since Christian and Stephan moved house a while ago, all three of them now live in Berlin.

C Christian Love & Loyalty „I believe in true love.“ ↓ S Stephan Love, HIV & Openness „We love each other very much! But we both have our own freedom.“ ↓ H Harry Open relationship „Sex is great!“ ↓

The conversation

Congratulations, Stephan, you've just got married. Are the wild times over now?

S Stephan

No! Absolutely nothing will change.

So why did you get married?

S Stephan

We wanted to look out for one another. I’m HIV-positive; he has serious liver problems. If one of us ever ends up in hospital, the other should be kept informed. And I wouldn’t be able to keep our flat on my own.

But are feelings also involved?

S Stephan

(laughs) We love each other very much! But we both have our freedom. And when we go out on the scene together to have sex, we look out for one another.

Christian, is that very strange to you?

C Christian

The open relationship thing just isn't mine.

Your slogan is "I believe in great love". What does that mean for you?

C Christian

My idea is probably influenced by all those Hollywood films: You love each other, you’re happy and you want to share everything together … Perhaps that’s a bit unrealistic, but that’s what I’d like.

Are you in a relationship right now?

C Christian

The last one passed a few months ago, after a year and a half.

Loyalty problems?

C Christian

No! He lied to me about some very important issues.

S Stephan

You see, that’s exactly the sort of thing I don’t want any more. I’m all for always being upfront and not compromising my principles. Dishonesty was also the reason why I got infected. My ex and I had agreed: yes, we’d both have sex with other people, but outside the relationship we’d only use condoms, whilst within it we’d go without. The result: we both tested positive.

C Christian

(startled) No!

Harry, you – like many gay couples – have the same arrangement with your boyfriend. How do you feel when you hear that Stephan caught the infection that way?

H Harry

Of course, that can make you feel a bit nervous. But I can’t imagine my relationship any other way. I want it this way and I’m happy with it. Absolute security is an illusion, and there are, after all, plenty of couples for whom this model works well. For my boyfriend and me, it was also clear right from the start that we wanted an open relationship. Anything else is too complicated for us.

C Christian

But why? Why can't you imagine the other?

H Harry

Fucking is nice! And getting to know new men is always a bit of an adventure.

Is it difficult for you to live such a relationship model?

H Harry

Unfortunately, nothing is really that simple. But I wouldn’t call it complicated either. There were one or two minor incidents. Once, at a sex party, someone came in my mouth.

How did you deal with it?

H Harry

We’ve talked about it. It’s always a bit of a awkward situation, of course. But in the end, it feels good: you know that you’re still maintaining this open and honest relationship with each other.

Stephan, do you regret choosing this relationship model because you became so infected?

S Stephan

I’d definitely do it all again exactly the same way! Even though I know how awful it is to have HIV. In my case, the negative effects of HIV started straight after I was infected; I’ve had quite a lot of difficulty with side effects and drug-resistant viruses.

Christian, did you have safe sex in your relationship?

C Christian

Yes, apart from once or twice at the start. That was rather careless of us, not getting tested first. But luckily, everything turned out fine. After that, we only had safe sex.

How would you handle things in a long-term relationship?

C Christian

I’m not really sure. It just depends on the person you get to know. Whether you trust them.

Stephan, what do you think about safer sex now?

S Stephan

We rarely have sex together. But when we do, it’s safe sex, because he’s HIV-negative. My viral load is below the detection limit, so the risk of infection isn’t that high. But I’m extremely careful when it comes to him.

Information on the risk of infection whilst on HIV treatment can be found in the Safer Sex FAQ section under „Can someone who is HIV-positive really be non-infectious?“

C Christian

And why do you rarely have sex?

S Stephan

We’re rarely together, and rarely in a way where anything could happen. We both really enjoy being the passive partner. That’s why we usually have a third person with us or go our separate ways when it comes to sex. Two tins stacked on top of each other – that makes a clattering noise. (laughs)