Bavarian Prime Minister Markus Söder prohibits gendering with a colon, asterisk or underscore. Or to put it more correctly: it prohibits gender-appropriate language - because the generic masculine is also a form of gendering. In authorities, schools and universities, you are no longer allowed to write about „politicians“, „citizens“ or „teachers“.
Trigger point gender: Is non-binarity a "trend"?
The topic of gendering is causing a stir. The three sociologists Steffen Mau, Thomas Lux and Linus Westheuser call this a "trigger point". According to their study, there is a certain degree of consensus across society on many major issues such as migration, diversity and climate protection. However, the debate suddenly intensifies when certain Trigger points be touched. And that includes gendering.
As is so often the case, it is minorities who suffer. In this case, queer, especially non-binary, gender non-conforming and intersex people. The debate is being played out on their backs - sometimes with blatant prejudices and gaps in knowledge.
At the same time, we keep hearing that this is all a "trend", a "fad" that young people in particular are now increasingly pursuing. And these statements exemplify the drama of queer history.
What the vast majority of people do not realise: Non-binary people - and also scientific work on non-binaryness - already existed over 100 years ago, albeit with different words. But the Nazis thoroughly destroyed everything, which set back not only the queer movement in Germany but the entire social debate internationally by decades. The drama is that queer people often don't know their own history. But the world doesn't know it either. And the Nazis, among others, are to blame for this.
43 million genders
In 1897, the Jewish doctor and sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld founded the Scientific-Humanitarian Committee (WhK) in Berlin: the world's first organisation for the rights of queer people. In 1919, he then founded the world's first institute for sexual sciences - also in Berlin. This was also the home of the WhK. Hirschfeld's motto: Through science to justice. And he followed through consistently! He was convinced that science had to be linked to the fight for human rights.
Not only did this make Berlin the centre of global sexology, not only did his institute have an international impact and bring about changes to gender and sexuality laws in several countries, Hirschfeld also made Berlin a place of refuge for queer people from all over the world. In the 1920s, some of the world's first gender reassignment operations took place at his institute. Trans people from that time, who travelled to Berlin from all over the world, reported that they felt happier than ever before after these operations.
Hirschfeld not only conducted numerous studies and surveys on queer lifestyles, he also developed the first theories and terminology to describe and explain these lifestyles. For example, he coined the terms "transvestite" and "transsexualism", early identities for gender diversity before the term "trans" as we use it today existed. And Hirschfeld developed an early scientific theory against the gender binary!
He named 16 different categories that we might describe today as primary and secondary sexual characteristics, gender identity, sexual identity, etc. And he said that in all of these 16 categories you could have either a male expression, a female expression or a mixture of male and female expressions. And he said that in all of these 16 categories you could either have a male characteristic, a female characteristic or a mixture of male and female characteristics. This would theoretically lead to a possibility of 316 gender characteristics, i.e. a total of 43,046,721!
From sexual intermediates to non-binaries
In practice, however, he considered gender to be a continuum with male and female as the two extreme poles. All people would therefore have a mixture of female and male characteristics, but most would tend to cluster at the two ends of this continuum. But many are also more in the middle. And he called these people sexual intermediates!
The theory of sexual intermediates gave people the first scientific opportunity to define themselves outside of the gender binary. For example, non-binary and gender non-conforming people. And this was around one hundred years before our time.
At his institute in Berlin, Hirschfeld also created a gigantic archive and library on gender and sexuality. A huge global collection of knowledge that was concentrated in Berlin. And this was also to pose a threat to this knowledge and the fledgling movement...
The Nazis were the reason for the drama of queer history
After all, if there were social debates about non-binarity around a hundred years ago, why do so many people today believe that this is a new trend?
Because this liberal period was followed by the Nazis! When they seized power in 1933, the Institute was one of the first places they attacked. In the film "A Whole Life" by Alexandra Ripa, Adelheid Schulz, who was a housekeeper at the institute at the time, tells the story:
"I can still see the hordes today... I was sitting alone on Hirschfeld's desk and watched as two Nazis came up to me and said: 'We want the Jew Hirschfeld!"
However, he was travelling around the world and never returned to Germany. So they began to destroy his institute. The archive, the library, the scientific research and papers: Everything fell victim to the Nazis.
"Hirschfeld's bust was carried by the Nazis on a big stick or pole. I saw that. And it brought tears to my eyes! (...) They had all moved away because they were afraid they would be taken away because they were homosexual. I lived here until July. And then... it was over!"
The books and papers that the Nazis removed from the institute were irrevocably destroyed in the infamous book burning. This was not only a severe setback for science in Germany. It was an erasure of the majority of global knowledge about gender diversity.
After his death in 1935, he bequeathed what little Hirschfeld was able to save from the Nazis to his two partners Karl Giese and Li Shiu Tong (also known as Tao Li). Giese had a new partner a little later and lived with him in Eastern Europe. However, he took his own life when the Nazis invaded the East. He wanted to avoid arrest by the Nazis. His partner was caught by the Nazis, sent to a concentration camp and murdered there. That part of Hirschfeld's legacy has since been lost. Perhaps also destroyed.
Tao Li managed to escape the Nazis. After the war, Germany contacted him to offer him reparations as Hirschfeld's heir. But he refused to communicate with the country that destroyed his partner. And after that, few people knew where he was.
The years passed. Decades.
And then, in 1993, something suddenly happened in Vancouver, Canada: a man suddenly found two suitcases full of German papers, books, diaries and photographs in the rubbish container of his building. This seemed strange to him. He fished it out of the rubbish and posted something on the early version of the internet: could it be of interest to anyone?
Almost 60 years until rediscovery
Almost a decade passed before Ralf Dose from the Magnus Hirschfeld Society in Berlin found this post in the early 2000s. He contacted the man and fortunately he had kept everything. Ralf Dose flew to Canada and brought the little of Hirschfeld's legacy that had not been destroyed by the Nazis back to Berlin.
What had happened? After the war, Tao Li travelled around the world to fulfil Hirschfeld's last wish: To spread sexology around the world. But he felt a little overwhelmed. However, he always had these two suitcases with him. Two suitcases full of the things that Hirschfeld was able to save from the Nazis and bequeath to him. At some point, he settled in Vancouver, Canada - in the same building where this man lived. Tao Li died there in 1993. And people emptied his flat and threw everything in the rubbish. Without knowing what they were actually throwing away.
Had this man not fished these two suitcases out of the rubbish, the last remnants of the world's first queer emancipation movement - and with it the first scientific theories and evidence of gender non-binarity - would have been lost forever.
This is what I call the drama of queer history. When it comes to gender diversity and non-binarity, we are only now slowly returning to where we were around 100 years ago in the social debate. That's why it seems so „new“ to many people - even though it's not. The Nazis destroyed everything back then and set the movement and science back decades. I am therefore certain that if the Nazis had never happened, we would be talking about (and above all with) non-binary people very differently today - much more progressively, acceptingly and naturally!
"Where there is shame, there can be no empathy." What is shame and where does it come from? Certainly not by itself. No, we are "shamed". The negative reactions of our social environment to everything that is not cis-gender and hetero-conformist come crashing down on us in the form of shame and humiliation. When we are shamed and humiliated, it hurts, it hurts badly. And to stop this pain, we change our behaviour, our innermost authentic self. Anything to stop the painful shaming and humiliation.
We just want to be allowed to be there, to be welcome just as we are. It then looks as if this is only possible if we pretend, cut back, adapt. And the only means we know of to suppress and reshape something as strong as our own identity, the expression of our own person, is shaming and humiliation. We have the voices, the gestures, the threats in our own heads. We have internalised the self-hatred, the negativity, the shame.
At the same time, we long for empathy, for an understanding of what it means to be LGBTQIA+ in this world. What it was like to walk our personal path. These paths have been different for each of us, and hard in different ways. Even if it sounds trite after the thousands of times RuPaul has said it, it's still just as true:
If you can't love yourself,
how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?
RuPaul
"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anyone else?" Do I watch so much drag race so I can hear that line? I've heard it a dozen times and it still hits me in the heart every time I let it in. Oh yes, I think, that's right, I'd forgotten again. I had somehow made myself look bad again, in my own head. The shame runs deep.
A little look back ...
It should be good now, it should be over. I had my hard-won coming out. Even though I was already 28 (is that a sign that it must have been hard before that?). I got involved in the community on a voluntary basis straight away - that was in 1994, there was so much to do, massage projects for people with AIDS (it was still AIDS then) that hardly anyone touched, coming out self-help groups, queer festivals.
Then I decided to build my own "normal" gay life. On my third attempt, I finally found a solid partnership: I'll take him and hold on to him! Visiting gay friends, each other - dinner parties, and of course my favourite lesbians in the family of choice. Maybe a child together like David&Michael with Patrizia&Claire? Nah, I can't do that. But a dog, yes, and renovating together, building the nest, every weekend! Hardly ever out and about in the scene, but at least once a year at the Pride parade and the queer picnic in the city park. Travelling confidently as a gay couple: Ha! Doublebed.
Then, little by little, they finally did what I had subconsciously longed for as a teenager: they "came out". Actors and musicians, a few in politics, some even in sport. Anti-discrimination laws at the holiday destination of choice - now we can go to sosundso, it's OK there now too.
And now the registered partnership or even marriage - the cleansing of historical sins for society as a whole - yes, fine, but we only need it because of the tax, hospital and so on. We don't need that for our love, we forged it ourselves long ago.
I am proud of my gay life. I may not be a pioneer or a stone in the shoe of the powerful, but I was still swimming against the tide. So all pride and no more shame? None at all?
So it's all pride and no more shame? None at all?
Do I dress the way I would really like to? Like the child at 8 or 9 who desperately wanted a bright red shirt and a pair of persil white jeans to go with the red and white captain's cap he had bought with his pocket money at the seaside kiosk during the holidays. And the grown-ups awkwardly manoeuvred it back onto their rails with worry lines on their foreheads. "No, you'd better not, it's not carnival now, you don't want to be laughed at, do you?" I don't know how much the child still keeps herself in check today, it's such an old habit.
And do I consistently get involved when someone is sexist, racist, ableist or even LGBTQIA+-hostile? Don't I even find myself thinking that the person could not have been quite so in your face have to appear queer? What can this reticence, this foreign shame, be other than the little devil of residual shame that is still breathing down my neck?
Pride in, shame out?
Shame is different from guilt. Guilt means you shouldn't have done it. Shame gets to you. Shame means you shouldn't have done it be. And that means you are not allowed to do something over which you have no control. You are trapped because you are who you are, but you are not allowed to be. A dead end of shame.
And where do you get out? As with any dead end, only by turning round and turning yourself in. So queer pride as an antidote to shame, but how does that work? When I step over the threshold into a queer space, a safe space, something happens to me. Whether it's an online chat with a person from my LGBTQIA+ family of choice or a bunch of real, warm, queer bodies in front of, behind and next to me, at a demo against the right or at a party. Something falls away from me. I move differently, I talk differently, I allow something inside me. Especially when I'm with people who have travelled part of my path, my way out of shame, with me.
Especially when bad things happen, like physical attacks and murders against one of us, when they want to divide us into acceptable and unacceptable queer people, like in the current anti-trans sentiment, then that means we need each other more again. Then we have to look deeper into each other's eyes again and see who we are, and shout to each other "We stick together, we won't take a step back, I'm with you and you're with me. I'm relying on you and you're relying on me." When that happens, shame doesn't stand a chance. We need our queer spaces where we can meet and renew this vow. But even that is not quite enough.
Out of sheer happiness and impetuosity about our own self-discovery, we stumble. Because we forget that we still have baggage. We've all been dipped in the same cis and heteronormative, sexist, racist, ableist sauce. In particular, as gay men, we have not dealt enough with the shame of our own 'femininity' that we internalised after the humiliations and threats as young people. It is distorted and confused in gay stereotypes and conventions. Why do we actually have to point out that fag is just as good as leather, why did the label power bottom have to develop in the first place? We're still messing around with the old hierarchies. "No femboys, no Asians" also means "no ME"!
There is also an internal homonormativity that every person should fit into if they want to belong. If they don't, they are shamed for it.
I think there is not only heteronormativity, i.e. the compulsion to either orientate oneself towards the life forms of the straight world, or to be different, outside, separate, strange, special, etc. There is also an internal homonormativity that conveys that there are certain ways of being and living as a gay person if you want to belong. There is also an internal homonormativity that conveys that there are certain forms of gay being and gay life that every person should fit into if they want to belong. If they don't, they are shamed for it. Then they are different again, outside, separate, strange, special.
Shame isolates. Shaming someone means singling them out, detaching them from their social circle, "presenting" them in front of others. This is particularly humiliating and therefore so painful because the protection of the bond with others is violently torn away.
That's why I want queer pride not only for myself, as an antidote to my own shame, but also for you, and for you, and for you too. I don't just want to be proud of myself, of my journey. I want to be proud that you are not hiding, precisely because you are so differently queer than me. I want to imagine what you had to overcome, what you still have to overcome every day to be yourself.
Perhaps you are often the only person with a darker skin colour. Maybe you're either shunned or fetishised because of it. Maybe you have to listen to women's jokes. Maybe you're gendered the wrong way. Maybe you can't even get into the "safe space" in your wheelchair, or you can't read my lips because I'm mumbling behind the beer glass. Maybe you're often sad and scared and don't dare go outside. Only when I recognise this, when I have asked you about it, with what you then community makes sense. Only then does it warm my heart. Only then do I feel really connected to you, only then do I realise how much I need you. That I can't be shameless if you can't be shameless too.
Only when I recognise that, when I've asked you about what you're struggling with, does community make sense.
So, is queer pride the antidote to shame? I think so. It starts with my pride, the awareness of my own history, my own daily struggles with shame. But even more important is my pride in you. My pride in the fact that I you know. That I yours that I know the story. That I know what you overcome, and what you you have failed. That I know that's exactly why you're here and that you're still fighting to be yourself. If I can strengthen you, cheer you on, then my own shame has no chance, then I don't look at it, then it has no place.
So let's use the space we take in the 2024 Pride season and fill it with our pride. Ask me what I am proud of, what I have overcome to be able to celebrate here with you. Ask me what I need from you to be able to be myself here unashamedly. Then let's celebrate. Not just because it's summer and we do it every year, but because we now know from each other what there really is to celebrate here.
Trigger warning: This article is about emotional and psychological abuse, depression and self-harming behaviour. If this is something that could bother you, please refrain from reading this article or read it with caution and self-awareness.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Maya Angelou
Actually, I should have recognised this gigantic red flag, this alarm signal, early on. Actually. Here I was, around 10,000 kilometres from home, on the other side of the world, lost in the middle of the night in a city I didn't know at all, emotionally distraught, confused, frightened, almost traumatised. Thrown out by someone who literally exploded completely unexpectedly just a few seconds earlier. Thrown out by the man I trusted. This should have been the alarm signal that opened my eyes. But it wasn't. In fact, it was just the beginning of a long-lasting, traumatic relationship that plunged me deep into depression.
I met Mike, who actually has a different name, a good two months earlier in Berlin. He was visiting and we had a first date. Many more followed and we saw each other almost every day during his stay in the city. He was attentive, charming, actually too charming. I had a little gut feeling that this exaggerated charm was suspicious. But I wasn't able to listen to this gut feeling. Today I know that he was love-bombing me.
Love bombing
Love-bombing involves showering a person with excessive affection and attention in order to gain control over them. Love-bombing is a form of emotional abuse. It is not primarily about doing something good for the other person, but about making them emotionally dependent.
On the last day of his holiday in Berlin, I confessed to him that I had fallen in love with him. And he invited me to his home country. Two months later, the time had come and I was on a plane halfway round the world. The first few days were fine. But then the warning sign happened that should have spared me a lot of further suffering.
We went to a restaurant for dinner with two of his friends. During the meal, Mike started asking me unexpected questions: "What is the capital of Romania? What is the capital of New Zealand?" And so on. He grinned smugly. He was trying to embarrass me in front of his friends. I knew the answers to some of his questions, but I didn't want to answer them because it went to the heart of a deep conviction of mine: that a person's worth is not defined by how much they know or how intelligent they are. Mike knew this because we had already talked about it. And the way he asked these questions - with the smug laugh - alluded to this very conviction. As well as the fact that, unlike me, he had already travelled a lot around the world. It was extremely uncomfortable and confusing. I didn't understand why he suddenly enjoyed trying to embarrass me in front of others.
After dinner, he drove his two friends home. He and I, on the other hand, wanted to go to a bar. After saying goodbye to his friends, we drove on. While we were alone in his car, I told him that I didn't think the way he treated me in the restaurant was okay. And then it happened. Completely unexpectedly, he exploded in a way I had never experienced before. And he shouted: "WE WERE JUST HAVING FUN! BUT YOU HAD TO BE SUCH AN IDIOT! YOU RUINED THE WHOLE EVENING! I CAN'T STAND YOU, YOU'RE JUST TOO MUCH!" And then he threw me out of the car.
Hell hath no fury like that of a pissed-off narcissistic person. Toxic, entitled and narcissistic people can't control their emotions, and if anything threatens their sense of order, privilege, entitlement, justice or comfort, they lash out explosively. (...) [Similarly, hypersensitive people] may make jokes at the expense of others, but as soon as someone criticises them, it's the end of the world. They have two standards: the way they are allowed to treat other people and the way they expect to be treated.1
Ramani Durvasula
So there I was, in the middle of the night in a city that was completely unknown to me. In a city where, at least at that time, there were still supposed to be unsafe neighbourhoods at night. What had just happened? I was confused, scared, frightened. I had never been shouted at like that before. Today, with my accumulated knowledge of the scientific D-factor, narcissism, the psychology of abusive relationships, the dark triad, trauma bonding, gaslighting and emotional apocalypses, I would see right through it here at the latest. But I didn't have that knowledge back then.
Emotional apocalypse
The term "emotional apocalypse" is generally used to describe the exploitation of a person's weak point, which that person finds emotionally extremely painful. It can therefore also take various forms. In this example, it is an extreme fit of rage and explosive screaming. But it can also be, for example, the threat of abandonment, the reminder of a person's worst fears, or days of demonstrative silence, so-called "stonewalling". It is an attempt to gain control over a person and such a painful experience that the victim will do anything to avoid it in the future. And out of fear, they may also allow abuse to happen.
All I had at the time to make sense of this situation was my knowledge that most people are capable of empathy and also want to be good and empathetic. (And in my head, "most people" implicitly meant all people). So if someone reacts so angrily, then surely it must be justified, right? Surely nobody would react so angrily if they didn't have a good reason? And instead of condemning Mike's problematic behaviour, I started to question myself. Had I overreacted? Was it perhaps really just harmless fun? Did I perhaps grumble at dinner without realising it and really ruin the evening? "I can't stand you, you're just too much!" Was that true? Am I "too much"?
I tried to call him to apologise. But he didn't pick up. I wrote to him saying I was sorry and that I had reacted wrongly. No answer. I tried to find a hotel, but everywhere I asked was fully booked for the night. I wrote to him again, apologising over and over again, begging him to pick me up. No reply. I don't remember how much time passed. But at least an hour in which I wandered through the city alone, abandoned, shocked and scared. Panic made itself felt. Was I that bad? It must have been like that. Why else would he behave like that? Deep shame spread through me.
And then he finally replied. He insulted me again and said that I should finally stop writing. And that he was picking me up now.
He didn't say a word to me in the car. And the way I felt and interpreted what had happened, I thought I would be lucky if he spoke to me again at all. I had no idea that the exact opposite would have brought me far more happiness. Because this was just the beginning.
Through the darkness: A fight against gaslighting and the shadows of depression
Almost three years later, I was only a shadow of my former self. Psychiatric diagnosis: moderate depression. I didn't really know that. Of course I had depressive phases as a teenager, especially before I came out. But what gay or queer teenager doesn't have them? Since coming out at the age of 16, depression was actually alien to me and I was always a very happy and positive person.
But almost three years of my relationship with Mike had left me so emotionally and mentally exhausted that I no longer recognised myself. But above all, I didn't (yet) understand why I had depression in the first place! Because I was actually lucky, wasn't I? I lived in Berlin, my favourite city, in a great flat. I had good friendships and a job that fulfilled me. And, as Mike kept telling me, I had a relationship that was so special that the whole world was jealous of us. Again, I know better today: this wasn't just delusions of grandeur. It was a projection.
Projections
Projections are an essential component of narcissism and many other toxic personalities. Projection involves projecting negative parts of oneself onto other people in order to criticise and attack them. For example, narcissistic people can be very jealous. They then project these emotions onto their partner or other people and accuse them of being consumed by jealousy themselves. The idea is to hide their own hated parts by (often wrongly) criticising them in others.2
I now had a scar on my arm from self-harming behaviour. I had secretly stitched the wound up myself, I was so ashamed of my behaviour and my depression. Over the past few months, I had tried everything to get rid of the depression: Endurance sports at the right heart rate, changing my diet, meditation. But no matter what I did, it didn't help. And I still didn't understand that the reason for my depression was my relationship. That there was even a technical term for it: gaslighting.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is another form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is often a very hidden, secret form of abuse that can end in severe depression. The term comes from the 1938 play "Gaslight" about a husband who tries to psychologically destabilise his wife in order to enrich himself. In the play, he causes the gaslight to flicker and dim. When his wife notices this, he tells her that she is crazy, that she is only imagining it and that the light is as bright as ever.
Gaslighting works particularly well when the victim does not realise that they are suffering from gaslighting. It is a form of manipulation in which the gaslighter tries to convince their victim that they are misremembering, misunderstanding or misinterpreting their own behaviour or motives, thereby raising doubts in them that make them vulnerable and confused.3 Gaslighters exploit this vulnerability to make their victims doubt themselves again and again, with the aim of binding them to themselves and their version of the "truth" and making them emotionally dependent. "You don't know who you are. But I do," Mike once literally said to me.
But gaslighting is rarely so obvious:
In fact, gaslighting is a type of secret bullying often carried out by partners, friends or family members who insist that they love you even though they are betraying you. They knowthat something is wrong - but you can't put your finger on it.4
Robin Stern
"You're always hardest on the people you love the most," Mike said to me another time - as if that would justify his constant abuse, after all it was out of supposed "love".
Gaslighting often happens within close, intimate relationships over a long period of time. Initially, the victim may simply be confused. After a while, however, they begin to completely doubt themselves and their state of mind and accept the gaslighter's false "reality". In extreme cases, the victim no longer trusts their own perception at all and what the gaslighter says about the victim becomes the complete truth. The result is severe depression.
Mike had gaslighted me in many different ways over the past three years. However, by far the most destructive form - and the one that would expose him - was his projection of jealousy.
Every time I wanted to talk to Mike about something I didn't like in our relationship over the past three years, Mike would turn the tables and accuse me of jealousy. Jealousy that was so deep that I didn't even realise it.
Mike was a person who loved extreme tidiness and cleanliness. In his original home, he had a cleaner who came almost every day to clean the house and make it look like a hotel. In our flat together in Berlin, I was forbidden to fall asleep on the sofa in front of a series in the evening while there was still a used glass of mine on the sofa table. Everything always had to look absolutely perfect - just like in a newly furnished hotel. And I always tried to fulfil his wishes.
We had an open relationship. One day I came home and the living room was a mess: there were cushions all over the floor. The sofa was half taken apart. And the table was full of used, dirty crockery. Mike had a date and was in his room with him in the meantime. Normally, the mess wouldn't have bothered me. However, I felt it was unfair that Mike punished me emotionally when I dared to fall asleep on the sofa with a used glass on the table while he allowed himself to make this mess.
So I later told him that I was dissatisfied with this double standard. That was still relatively early in our relationship. I didn't yet know when the emotional apocalypse would follow. But it happened here immediately. And in the midst of this further emotional rollercoaster, this moment of emotional vulnerability, the gaslighting was hidden: I wasn't actually concerned with a double standard, Mike raged. It was actually about jealousy. I was literally consumed by jealousy of his date. And this jealousy was the real and only reason for my criticism of him.
Like everyone, I have also experienced jealousy. However, I was never someone who was 'consumed' by jealousy. When I felt jealousy, I was usually aware of it. And I tried, sometimes mistakenly, to deal with it on my own, to pay attention to the feeling in order to understand the underlying need without burdening the other person or the relationship. But this was not a moment of jealousy.
Nevertheless, the gaslighting and emotional apocalypses had already had their first results. I began to doubt myself. Once again, my partner, whom I trusted, reacted with a gigantic tantrum. So I must have really crossed a line and done something wrong. What's more, a partner wants the best for the relationship and knows you better than many other people. So why would he lie to me? Maybe I'm really jealous and don't even realise it? Some feelings can be very subconscious. And that's how the gaslighting worked. Over the months and many more such moments, I believed his version of me more and more and my own knowledge about myself and my inner life less and less. And the more I believed his negative image of me, the less I trusted myself and the more I lost access to my true self as a result, the stronger the depression became. Mike had gained control over me, my emotions and my psyche.
[Gaslighting usually takes place in three phases: (1) disbelief, (2) defence, (3) depression]. When gaslighting progresses to phase 3, the results can be truly devastating. At this point, gaslighting has left you hopeless, helpless and joyless (...) and you are wandering in a vast, unknown desert with no maps or landmarks. You can barely remember who you were before the Gaslighting relationship began. All you know is that something is terribly wrong - probably with yourself. (...) The gaslight effect is truly soul-destroying. Perhaps the worst moment is when you realise how far you've strayed from what you once thought was your best self - your true Self. You have lost your self-confidence, your self-esteem, your perspective and your courage. Worst of all, you have lost your zest for life.5
Robin Stern
Trauma bonds
It is sometimes difficult for people to free themselves from abusive relationships. This can be due to so-called trauma bonds, among other things. Trauma bonds are emotional attachments to an individual (and sometimes to a group) that develop from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse. These bonds are maintained by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. Traumatic bonds thus develop as a result of a continuous cycle of abuse in which the alternating use of rewards and punishments creates strong emotional bonds that are difficult to change. This cycle can be described in three phases: In the honeymoon phase, the abuser is charming, attentive and engages in love-bombing. In the tension-building phase, the perpetrator becomes increasingly dissatisfied and the victim can do nothing to appease him. In the explosion phase, the victim is finally abused verbally, emotionally or sometimes physically. The cycle then begins again with the honeymoon phase.
The unleashing battle: from the shadows of depression to the light of self-liberation
After almost three years in a relationship with Mike, my psyche was in shambles. I no longer had any self-confidence. I no longer felt happy. And self-confidence was completely alien to me. Mike's reality about me had completely replaced my own truth. I only saw myself through his eyes. But then something happened that would expose him and set in motion a long, painful but much-needed fight for liberation.
In relationships with narcissistic and other toxic people, everything often revolves around the needs of the gaslighter. I myself was only allowed to have needs if they coincided with Mike's needs. Over time, Mike made sure that I orientated my actions, my whole life, around his needs. Cynically, he always criticised me for doing exactly that: I was downright obsessed with him. It was like walking on eggshells. He forced me to pay attention to his needs 24/7 and then accused me of being too fixated on him.
And I was extremely jealous anyway. Mike had a lover in the meantime. Noah, but his name was actually different too. Mike had been saying for a long time that I should have one too, so that I wouldn't be so fixated on him and jealous. And by chance, something developed with another person who I met semi-regularly. Not only did I enjoy spending time with this person, I was also relieved to think that Mike would be happy about it. After all, it was exactly what he wanted. It would, I believed, stop me being 'so fixated' on him and Mike could finally breathe a sigh of relief because I wouldn't be smothering him so much with my obsession. Everything would be fine now, I thought.
But then one day Mike said to me: "You only have this person because you're jealous of me and Noah. You're trying to copy me!" It was an incredibly strong punch in the stomach. Today, many years later, my actions seem almost absurd to me. But by then Mike had gained such control over me, my thoughts and feelings, and had completely replaced my truth about my inner life with his gaslighting, that I actually believed him. Everything I had put my last shred of hope in shattered and I started to cry. I had hit rock bottom. Mike saw me crying and said in a contemptuous voice, "Yeah, you want me to lie to you?"
It was this incident that turned the tide.
My closest friend since school had watched my mental decline almost helplessly over the last few years. Romina tried her best to help me, to cheer me up, to help me find a place in therapy, but nothing helped. She didn't realise (yet) that my relationship was the reason for my depression. In her presence, Mike was always charming, entertaining and understanding. A completely different person to the one he was when we were alone. And out of shame, I didn't tell her what it was like to be alone with Mike. But it was pure desperation that made me tell her about this incident. And then everything suddenly made sense to her. Mike had already spoken to her alone about me a few weeks earlier. It was an attempt to talk me down to her. She wouldn't see how morbidly obsessed I was with Mike. But Romina knew that couldn't be true and was suspicious. And when I told her about this incident, she thought: "He thinks he's God! The whole world revolves around him!"
The next time she was in Berlin, she started talking to me: "Jeff, I think Mike is a narcissist. And I think that's the reason for your depression." Of course I knew the term narcissism. But I didn't know much about it. Aren't they such self-absorbed people? Why would that trigger depression in me? And as someone who is very keen to speak and act in a scientifically correct way, it seemed wrong to diagnose someone with no specialist knowledge. I didn't understand at the time that narcissism, unlike narcissistic personality disorder, is not a diagnosis, but a description of a coherent personality and behaviour pattern that is associated with many continuously present certain traits.
It felt wrong to call Mike that. And I didn't think she or I were qualified enough for that. But Romina pushed on. We had known each other for over 15 years and she knew exactly what direction to steer me in: "Please promise me you'll do some research on narcissism." She said exactly the right thing.
I am a trained social scientist. My passion for science was both a curse and a blessing. It was a curse because it was what made me vulnerable to Mike's abuse. Because until then, my view of humanity was as follows: Scientific research had shown that most people are capable of empathy. The reason why there was still so much suffering in the world was that people are socialised within oppressive structures (such as racism, sexism, speciesism or queerophobia). As part of their socialisation, people unconsciously internalise these structures and subsequently reproduce them. These oppressive ideologies therefore switch off people's inherent compassion without their awareness, so that they often act against their own convictions, against their empathy. Basically, people want to act well. So Mike should also be good. This view of humanity was not wrong. However, it was only part of the truth.
However, my passion for science was also a blessing, because that was what would ultimately free me from him. Because I knew how to research correct information. So I began to immerse myself in the literature on narcissism. And what I found out was to fundamentally change my view of humanity forever.
Narcissism
Narcissism, as defined by the internationally recognised psychologist and narcissism expert Dr Ramani Durvasula, is a personality and behavioural pattern characterised by certain, continuously present traits.6 These include:
(1) Interpersonal traits, such as lack of empathy, manipulation, projection, lying, lack of respect for boundaries, jealousy, gaslighting or controlling behaviour;
(2) Behavioural characteristics such as superficiality, envy, stinginess or heedlessness;
(3) Dysregulation characteristics, such as anger/rage, craving for recognition/affirmation, inability to be alone, insecurity/fragility or shame;
(4) Antagonistic characteristics, such as delusions of grandeur, a sense of entitlement, passive aggressiveness, gloating, arrogance, exploitation, lack of acceptance of responsibility or vindictiveness;
(5) Cognitive characteristics such as paranoia, hypersensitivity/irritability, lack of insight/guilt, distorted sense of justice or hypocrisy/hypocrisy.
At the core of narcissism is a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement (e.g. that you are entitled to more special treatment than others, or that the rules don't apply to you), delusions of grandeur, an addiction to validation, insecurity, and dysregulation. Narcissism is an interpersonally toxic pattern; that is, if it is the predominant way a person interacts with the world, then it is not healthy for the people in the narcissistic person's close environment.
Narcissism, unlike narcissistic personality disorder, is not a diagnosis. There are now discussions among experts to remove narcissistic (and other) personality disorders from the next version of the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This is because many experts believe that a diagnosis can only be made if the person recognises that they have a problem with a negative impact on their life. However, most narcissists neither recognise their narcissism nor does it cause them problems. On the contrary, it often puts them in positions of power. Instead, it is the people around them who suffer from narcissism.
Once again: most people are capable of empathy. That is still true. What I overlooked in my view of humanity, however, was the small proportion who are capable of little to no empathy. There are people whose brains show no emotion in the area where empathy and compassion arise. These include psychopaths, for example. But also some forms of narcissism. This part of humanity may be small. However, it plays a significant role in political and economic world affairs. In fact, there is an above-average number of people from the so-called dark triad in high positions of power in politics and business. We have created a social, political and economic system that makes it easier for such people to get into high positions of power, from where they then influence the fate of this world and all its living beings, including us humans.
No matter how much we turn up our noses at narcissism, as a society we paradoxically reward it. (...) The increasing insecurity in our world and the platforms that capitalise on it, such as consumerism, have created an optimal breeding ground for narcissism to proliferate. When human worth is determined solely by external incentives such as success, qualities such as empathy don't stand a chance.7
Ramani Durvasula
The Dark Triad
Psychologists and social scientists refer to the personality types narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism as the "dark triad". Both narcissism and psychopathy are characterised by a lack of empathy. One of the differences is that the core of narcissism is insecurity and deep-seated shame, which are supposed to be overcompensated for by narcissistic behaviour. However, psychopaths feel neither shame and insecurity, nor remorse or guilt. Social norms and conscience are also alien to them. Some researchers believe that the proportion of psychopaths in management positions is six times higher than in general society.8 "They don't rob banks, they become bank managers," said the founder of psychopathy research Robert D. Hare. Machiavellianism, on the other hand, is the pursuit of one's own goals regardless of whether other living beings suffer as a result. Machiavellians have a far more realistic view of themselves than narcissists, but still exhibit the same lack of empathy.
It took me a while to make the connection to my depression as part of my research. But one day I made an interesting observation. Romina was still in Berlin and Mike wanted to do something with us and his lover Noah. I didn't feel like it, my depression was preventing me from taking part in social life. But as if she already had an inkling, Romina urged me to come along. And that day it happened.
At a certain point, I was watching Mike and Noah. I saw how Mike dealt with him, how he turned on the charm. And it was as if his behaviour towards me was suddenly reflected back to me. In his behaviour towards Noah, I could suddenly see how Mike behaved towards me, especially how he used his charm to wrap me around his finger and manipulate me at the beginning of our relationship. And the moment I was able to observe it outside of myself in another person, the scales fell from my eyes. I suddenly recognised everything in Mike that I had learned during my research. It was as if a spell had suddenly been broken: from that moment on, my depression would gradually ease until it soon disappeared completely.
I will never forget that moment. It was as if a curse had been lifted from me, as if I had suddenly woken up from a bad nightmare within a second and was now starting to recover. Later, I would stumble across the term gaslighting. And suddenly it all started to make sense: Why I fell into depression. Why I couldn't get rid of it. Why I had suddenly lost all my self-confidence.
However, I was only at the beginning of a long, difficult and frightening struggle for liberation. And I didn't yet understand narcissism enough to really realise what I had to do. For the first few weeks, I thought that I could maintain some kind of friendship with Mike. It wasn't his fault that he was a narcissist and, after all, the spell was now broken. But that was a naive fallacy.
Mike and I were already in a registered civil partnership so that Mike could live and work in Germany. In that short time, he had already accumulated a lot of debt. Debts to me because he could never pay the rent. Debts to my parents because they had to help me, as I had also given him all my savings at some point to help pay his share of the rent. I don't remember how much he owed in total, but it was over €10,000. And he has never and will never pay most of it back.
One day Mike wrote to me that he wanted to go on holiday. I wrote back and asked him if it wouldn't be better to try and work a bit more so that we could pay off the debt to my parents. He then blocked me. That was the moment when I realised: Shit! I have to get rid of him! I didn't want to and couldn't allow my parents to suffer because of him. I made the decision to leave him.
At the same time, a friend and flatmate of Mike's suddenly called me from his old home: "I wanted to call you instead of writing because Mike is secretly reading your messages." I suddenly remembered that I'd often had the feeling recently that my mobile phone was no longer where I'd left it. Or how I once caught him somehow logging into his friend's Facebook account and reading his messages. "I'm glad you're finally starting to realise what's really going on," he said to me. What he then told me made my blood run cold. "He has millions in debt here! He basically ran away from his debts here. He didn't pay his rent for over a year without telling us. Our landlord kicked us out."
"He secretly reads your private diaries. He talks badly about you behind your back. And he talks as if your parents' money is basically his. You have to act now, and quickly. Be careful. I know him. He can be dangerous. And it's all about him. He's very good at deceiving people. He's a notorious liar. I'm worried about you, so please keep me informed. Do you have a good friend who can go home with you? Remember, we are behind you 100 %. We've got your back."
I was trembling. All over my body. I picked up my phone and looked up the number of his former landlady in Berlin. Mike had been assuring me for months that he would be able to repay his debt to me as soon as he finally got the deposit back from his former landlady. She didn't want to pay it out because she claimed he had broken things that she would have to replace first. She sounded surprised and a little confused when I asked her about the deposit. "I paid him back months ago!"
It was the final proof.
I took a deep breath, picked up my mobile phone and let him know that it was over between us. And that I wanted him to move out. This was followed by a huge tantrum. With threats. I no longer felt safe going home and stayed with two friends for a while.
A few days later, Mike suddenly appeared unannounced in my office at my workplace, where I was working alone. He came in and tried to talk to me, but I rejected him. And then he started crying.
In other circumstances, someone might have sympathised with him. But I realised at what point he started to cry. He started crying when he talked about what my parents were thinking about him now. Mike had tried to contact my parents several times after I left him. But they refused to communicate with him. Mike wasn't crying because he had lost me. He was crying because he had lost control of how other people saw him. It was the ultimate narcissistic injury.
The narcissistic relationship is primarily about control: control over the image of the relationship in the world, control over the people in the relationship, control over the narrative and control over the people who serve as narcissistic resources.9
Ramani Durvasula
A few days later, another friend accompanied me home so I could pick up a few things. Mike was there and shouted at my friend. Everything was his fault, he had made me leave Mike. It was an incredibly tense, scary situation. Mike tried to talk to me, but I didn't look at him once and tried to concentrate on packing all the things I needed. In the end, the time had come and I wanted to leave as quickly as possible. But as we were leaving, Mike ran between us, trying to push my boyfriend out of the flat with one hand and keep me in with the other. "YOU'RE STAYING HERE!" Panic rose up inside me.
I don't know how it happened. I definitely didn't do it consciously. It was as if my brain suddenly switched off and my body took over. I felt my body straighten up, get bigger, and finally I looked Mike straight in the eye. My eyes pierced his. My mouth opened of its own accord and when I heard my voice, it was as if I was hearing the voice of a stranger I had never heard before. It was deeper than usual. Much more threatening. I had never heard this voice before in my life: "You're letting me go - And. And. IMMEDIATELY!" Mike looked at me for a moment, completely silent. I could see how shocked he was, but no less shocked than I was at myself. And absolutely silently, without saying another word, he let go of me and I disappeared. A year later, we were finally divorced. Mike and Noah got married a short time later.
Dark personalities: Narcissism, power and the D-value
This is not just about broken hearts, cheating spouses and abusive parents; this is also about the health of our planet, our species and all living beings.10
Ramani Durvasula
Is Mike really a narcissist? The probability is high, but of course I can't say with one hundred per cent certainty. What I can see clearly today is Mike's gigantic insecurity, which he tried to cover up with his charm, his gaslighting and his lies, his manipulation, his projection and anger, his arrogance and his control. And that speaks strongly in favour of narcissism. At the core of narcissism is a deep-seated, immature, painful insecurity and a sense of shame. Narcissism is synonymous with pathological insecurity. Narcissistic people are usually unable to face this painful insecurity and their narcissism serves to hide this insecurity.
We can and should look at narcissistic people with prudent compassion (from a distance) because they are in fact very insecure, dissatisfied and empty. This cannot be an easy life, and it is deeply unpleasant. Unfortunately, they spend most of their lives taking this discomfort out on other people. (...) Insecurity makes people dangerous - very dangerous.11
Ramani Durvasula
Nevertheless, there are also too many overlaps with other toxic personalities. But what I can say for sure: Mike's personality has a high D-value.
The dark factor of personality
The "Dark factor" of the personality (short: D) is a unifying, scientific theory of socially and ethically aversive personality traits proposed in 2018. In addition to the dark triad personalities of narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism, it also includes sadism, egocentrism, selfishness, greed, maliciousness, a sense of entitlement and moral disengagement. A scientific questionnaire is used to measure an individual's D score, which can range from one to five. D is defined as the general tendency to maximise one's own benefit - ignoring, accepting or maliciously provoking disadvantages for others - accompanied by beliefs that serve as justification. The higher the D value, the "darker", i.e. more socially and ethically problematic, the personality traits are.12
On the other hand, people with a low D value can easily become victims of manipulation and exploitation. But it's not just these people who need to learn how to protect themselves from toxic relationships. As I said before, learning about narcissism, the dark triad and the D-value not only helped me to free myself from my abusive relationship, it also fundamentally changed my view of the world and people. We all suffer from people with a high D-value. Because the fact is: our current political-economic system rewards these people.
A 2015 study showed that the characteristics and behaviour of twelve-year-olds can predict their professional success forty years later better than their IQ or the socio-economic status of their parents.13 The proportion of psychopaths in management positions is six times higher than in the general population. Six times!
At the same time, it seems that people with little empathy not only gain power more easily. Studies suggest that it could also work the other way round: A lot of power could in some cases make people less empathic, although a causal effect has yet to be proven: "Research has found that people with power tend to behave like patients in whom the orbitofrontal lobes of the brain (the region of the frontal lobes just behind the eye sockets) are damaged, a condition that seems to lead to overly impulsive and insensitive behaviour. So the experience of power could be thought of as someone opening up the skull and removing the part of the brain that is so important for empathy and socially appropriate behaviour."14 A cycle in which people with little empathy gain more power and lose even more empathy through this experience.
A lot of data suggests that the likelihood of low empathy, low interest in other people, a sense of entitlement, stealing and lack of ethical behaviour increases with the level of wealth. Capitalism, especially our current form of capitalism, is centred primarily on success and profit. Under these conditions, the sheer amount of social inequality means that we will not see an overall increase in happiness for all, even if the economy improves.
Empathy can be economically inefficient.15
Ramani Durvasula
A profit-orientated system has a single goal: to make profits. This genie can no longer be put in the bottle and we live in a time of enormous economic inequality. As there is a tendency for toxic, narcissistic, entitlement-minded and in quite a few cases psychopathic people to be at the top of the corporate ladder, their lack of empathy, their grandiosity, their selfishness, their vindictiveness and their arrogance imply that they are hardly willing to share their profits, turn down high bonuses or ensure that their workers, let alone the world, are well looked after.
Wealthy people may not have empathy and, frankly, don't need it because they are better shielded from the challenges of the world and other people.16
Ramani Durvasula
Power-hungry right-wing populists and right-wing extremists, as well as so-called "anarcho-capitalists" and right-wing libertarians with little empathy, are gaining popularity around the world. Trump, Johnson, Putin, Bolsonaro, Milei in Argentina, Wilders in the Netherlands and Björn Höcke here in Germany: they have long since arrived in politics or even control entire states. In business, too: Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, or all the people at the top of the fossil fuel industry, who have been spreading conspiracy narratives that deny man-made climate change and gaslight the entire world population through billion-dollar campaigns since the 1980s at the latest. At the same time, they have long since begun to build luxury bunkers for the impending social and climate collapse that they themselves have brought about.
"Alaska or New Zealand?" That's what the super-rich once asked scientist Douglas Rushkoff17"Where should I have my luxury bunker built for the time when "The Event" happens?" And by "The Event" they meant the impending end of the world: climate change, nuclear catastrophe, gigantic civil wars - in other words, what they themselves produce through their actions and economic activity. And how could they ensure that their staff, who are supposed to work for them in this bunker, do not turn against them? For example, could they use implanted chips that give them electric shocks if they don't do what they want?
"Maybe you could just be nice to these people," Rushkoff replied. Be nice to others? Nice to the employee, nice to the neighbour, nice to their families? "Then where does it end?" asked one super-rich person, uncomfortable at the thought of having to be nice to everyone. And I think this question says more about the mess we are all in than the most detailed studies.
How to protect yourself
Privilege is a social expression of narcissism (...). Racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, ableism, ageism and all other isms are all forms of gaslighting - doubting and defaming the reality of others, making them doubt themselves and thus maintaining power.18
Ramani Durvasula
People with high D levels cause unimaginable damage to the world. We are all affected. Even marginalised people, like LGBTQIA+. I am now convinced that studies of social inequality, intersectionality, power and (multiple) discrimination must also take personality into account alongside factors such as gender, skin colour, sexual and gender identity, origin and disability. Because, as I have described, personality is linked to processes of power.
But these factors are not only intertwined. I also believe that marginalised groups - especially queer people - are particularly vulnerable to gaslighting and abuse. As a marginalised group, we are often enough gaslighted by mainstream society. We are told that our own stigmatisation "isn't so bad after all" or that we "shouldn't be so sensitive". And tragically, as queer people, we have often learnt that love is conditional. Parents who don't accept us because of our identity. Or even abuse at home - disguised as supposed "love". All of this makes us more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
We all need to take precautions to protect ourselves as best we can. Through the tireless work of psychologists such as narcissism expert Dr Ramani Durvasula, this includes the following advice19:
Understand yourself, your biography and your vulnerabilitiesPeople with certain characteristics and histories are more susceptible to becoming victims of narcissism. These include: a tendency to want to "save" other people; a biography of trauma; an excess of optimism and positivity (this makes it difficult for us to recognise that people with toxic personalities will not change); constantly forgiving everyone for everything; having been raised as a child by a narcissistic or toxic parent; having grown up in a happier than average family as a child (these children often think as adults that they just need to love other people enough and find it hard to believe that manipulative, cruel people exist); and an excess of empathy. Empathy is good and important. This world desperately needs more empathy. However, if you are an overly empathic person, this can make you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and you need strategies to prevent this beautiful part of you from being abused and withering away.
Radical acceptanceThis includes, for example, the realisation that narcissists and other toxic personalities cannot change permanently and sufficiently. In personality psychology, this is known as the rubber band theory. This claims that our personalities are like rubber bands and can be stretched, for example when narcissists see their relationships threatened. They might even go to therapy and improve for a few months or a year. But when it is clear that the partner is staying, and as soon as narcissists experience stress, the rubber band buckles into its original shape and the narcissistic pattern returns. Learn to let go instead of forgiving again and again.
Practise love for yourselfTrust your judgement and your emotions. If we love and value ourselves, we won't let people who chronically devalue us get too close to us.
Take your time: When you meet new people, especially when dating, don't rush things. Give yourself time to get to know the other person over several weeks or months before you let them into your life. Observe your feelings, especially discomfort or a bad gut feeling that you may not yet be able to explain. Don't fall for superficialities such as looks, wealth, success, intelligence or education. Observe the other person's empathy and behaviour, especially problematic behaviour: The first time something happens, it's a slip-up, the second time it's a coincidence and the third time it's a pattern.
Build your firewall against toxic behaviour and protect your boundaries: To do this, you first need to know and understand your limits. If possible, don't let toxic people into your life in the first place.
Hold on to your own realityIf something feels invalidating or dehumanising, take a long, critical look at it. Gently step back and take a moment to come to terms with your reality. When disagreements degenerate into a personal attack, it's no longer about sharing opinions; it's abuse. And that means it's time to walk away. This is especially true if you are part of a socially oppressed group that is being gaslighted by the dominant culture: "If the world is allowed to gaslight us, then we are more susceptible to individual gaslighting, and then we are more susceptible to letting narcissists in and out of our lives. Racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, ableism, ageism and all other isms are all forms of gaslighting - doubting and defaming the reality of others, making them doubt themselves and thus holding on to power."
- Ramani Durvasula
Do therapy: If you have the opportunity, use it.
Recognise and (if possible) avoid so-called "enablers" ("enablers"): These are the people around you who are forgiving of the toxic person: Family or friends* who shame you if you don't forgive the narcissistic person, a society that tells you not to end your relationship or denounce bad behaviour, people who downplay what you are experiencing or fall back on trite explanations like "You're not perfect either", "They don't mean any harm", "I never had any problems with them" or "They did the best they could". Therefore also:
Build close relationships with compassionate people who are a safe space for youThis is especially important because narcissists often try to isolate their victims. My liberation from Mike would not have been possible without the friendships I had, without Romina, without the friends I stayed with, without my parents, without the many other friends I could turn to, who strengthened me, listened to me and supported me without reservation.
Take care of your own gardenWe can't save the world. Be kind to others, practice courtesy, don't look for fights, and try to understand other people's perspectives. But drive the toxic behaviours, situations and people out of your life - essentially: weed your garden or they will kill everything you plant. And if you give second chances, give them to the people who deserve them. Stop wasting them on narcissists.
Manage them if you can't completely disappear from their lives: These include the following strategies:
Stop giving them your kindnessBe courteous and helpful, often, but with people who deserve it. Toxic people cannot be saved, and it is not your job to do so.
Avoid DEEP if people with dark personalities attack you: do not Defend (do not defend yourself), do not Engage (do not get into a discussion with them, do not share your feelings with them), do not Explain (do not explain yourself), do not Personalise (do not take it personally). Don't feed the troll. Don't get involved in the fight. Narcissists have no filtering empathy, so you can't win an argument against them. Above all, don't tell them they're narcissistic (or have another dark personality). I made that mistake and it won't work: Narcissists usually don't have enough self-reflection to recognise this and other dark personalities, like psychopaths, simply don't care.
Grey stone and yellow stoneMake yourself as uninteresting as a grey stone. Less is more: Keep communication short, economical, sparse and simple. Stick to "yes", "no", "okay" and "thank you" without much emotion. However, sometimes this is not possible. With the yellow stone strategy, you therefore also keep it short, but mix a little more emotional response into what you say or make the sentences just a little longer.
Give them what they wantAcknowledge them, smile, don't interfere and then leave the situation as gracefully as possible. Whatever it is, acknowledge it. And then leave.
Find and hold on to meaning, purpose, humour and joy in your lifeEmotional and psychological abuse suck these qualities out of your life. Build them (back) into your life and protect them. They are your buffer against injustice.
"The healing happens the day you realise that this is not about justice or fairness; it's about self-preservation and peace. (...) If you can let go of the feeling of injustice, you will heal from narcissistic abuse. Life is not fair, and instead of forgiving, just let go (...). That has to be justice enough."20
My parents didn't trust Mike from the start and were against the partnership. Mike knew that. Nevertheless, they supported me. Because they saw it as their job as parents. When Mike visited my parents for the first time, my mum said to him: "I'm a mother lion. I'll find you if you do anything to my son."
Six years have passed since the separation. Five since the divorce. Five years without any contact.
I went to therapy to process what I had experienced. But also to work on the reasons why I had allowed myself to enter into a relationship with such a person in the first place. I'm still struggling with the financial consequences of the relationship. And with the grief. A narcissistic relationship is synonymous with a loss of innocence. Many survivors of narcissistic relationships report that this traumatic experience has destroyed a kind of lightness in life, the ability to trust, or the belief in the good.
But in every other respect, things have gone uphill since then. I have a long road of healing behind me and probably at least as long ahead of me. Healing is an act of resistance, of revolt, of rebellion. It is part of my activist life. This article is just as much a part of it. I have always been convinced that the private sphere is political.
Romina and I have found a new flat in Berlin. I have built up a successful business that fulfils me with purpose and is fun. I have deepened old friendships and made new ones. And I have learnt again to build trust and to allow intimacy and closeness - with a person who deserves to be close to me.
Am I the same person I was before my relationship with Mike? No. And I never will be again. Such a traumatic relationship with a Gaslighter changes you - forever. Not only has it changed my view of humanity and the world, I'm different myself. No better than before. Not worse. Just different. Above all, I enjoy my time with myself much more. I feel balanced with myself. I have improved my relationship with myself. And I can say: I'm happy. Very much so.
But recently I got a call from a number I didn't recognise: "Jeff?" asked a voice. I didn't recognise it straight away. "Yes?" I replied. "It's Mike."
... Six years after the separation, I hadn't expected that at all. He asked: "Can we talk?" I replied politely: "No thanks, I'm not interested." Mike ignored this and still tried to engage me in conversation several times. He would like to get in touch again. So much time had passed. I made it clear to him again in a friendly but firm manner that I wasn't interested. And then I hung up.
A short time later I received an e-mail from Mike saying things like:
"Because of my selfishness, I hurt you and your parents, and it wasn't my intention, but I let it happen." - "I hope you can forgive me in your heart for being an ASSHOLE!"
Some would think that's a good sign. But then you'd fall for manipulation attempts again. To be more precise: narcissistic hovering.
Hoovern
The English word "to hoover" literally means "to vacuum" or "to hoover". Here, however, it stands for the manipulative, charming ensnaring by a narcissistic person who is trying to get their target back into the relationship - just like a hoover.21 Relationships for them are about control and providing a constant supply of their narcissistic needs. Such people hoover to get that supply back. If someone is happy without them, it means they don't control that person, and hovering is an attempt to regain that power.
Hoovering can also take place years after the actual relationship. If the target does not react to the hoovering, then the hoovering is often followed by the usual narcissistic outbursts of rage.
When no reply came from me, a second email followed, which was so different from the first that it seemed to be from another planet. It was a veritable smorgasbord of delusions, the likes of which I had rarely experienced:
"I refuse to let you torture me emotionally and psychologically like this."
"Your parents knew that you were mentally unstable and they supported our marriage in the hope that I would make you mentally stable! They used me to make you happy and to gain the certainty that this would make you feel better!"
"The fact is: I love Noah now! I thought I could love you too, but you're mentally ill!"
"I'm ending this now! I don't love you, I love Noah!"
"You and your parents took advantage of me!"
"Germany is my home! Berlin is my home! I will not let you destroy it!"
"Leave me and Noah alone!"
"If I continue to be emotionally tormented by you, I'm going to the police and the authorities to tell them what I've been through since you're still trying to make me pay for you having problems and that I didn't want to be with you!"
"I'm done with you, and us!"
"Best regards, Mike."
This email came out of nowhere, five years after the last contact.
Narcissists and other toxic people are quick to label any kind of [real or imagined] accusation against them as a "witch hunt", which turns them from a perpetrator into a victim.22
Ramani Durvasula
I read the email. I had expected it to trigger me and throw me off course. To my surprise, this was very limited. I felt a mixture of amusement, pity and fascination. Amusement at the extent of the delusions beyond any reality. Pity at his deep-seated, immature, painful insecurity and at the fact that, after six years of separation, he obviously still hasn't been able to let go of the narcissistic offence of being abandoned. And fascination about how far the delusions went and that he had no inhibitions about writing to me about it, even though he must have realised somewhere that I knew better. But his gaslighting no longer worked. It hadn't for six years. The email triggered something in me after all: I let go again. The email made me realise that the whole trauma now felt more like a distant, bad dream that I seemed to forget more and more in everyday life. I had found inner peace. I was no longer concerned with justice, I was concerned with peace. I had let go. And that was the real step towards healing.
Help phone for men who are victims of violence: 0800 123 99 00
Office hours are Monday to Thursday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. and on Friday from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. There is also an online chat: https://onlineberatung.maennerhilfetelefon.de/
This is available at the following times: Monday to Thursday between 12 and 3 p.m. and 5 and 7 p.m. You can find information on men's sheltered housing at here.
Further help
Do you have dark thoughts? If you're not feeling well, you're hurting yourself or you're thinking of taking your own life, the telephone counselling service is there for you. It is anonymous, free and available around the clock. The telephone numbers are 0800/111 0 111 and 0800/111 0 222.
The telephone counselling service also offers a help chat. There is also the option of e-mail counselling. You can register - also anonymously and free of charge - on the website. Information can be found at: www.telefonseelsorge.de
And last but not least, there is also the Gay Health Chat for gay, bi+ and queer men (whether trans or cis). There you can chat anonymously with professionals from the community about your problems and get advice: www.gayhealthchat.de
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 50ff.
See Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 30f.
See Robin Stern (2018): The Gaslight Effect - How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your LifeHarmony Books, p. XIX.
translated from English by Robin Stern (2018): The Gaslight Effect - How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your LifeHarmony Books, p. XXIV.
translated from English by Robin Stern (2018): The Gaslight Effect - How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your LifeHarmony Books, p. 14.
See Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 5ff.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 324.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 8ff.
See Morten Moshagen, Benjamin E. Hilbig, Ingo Zettler (2018): What is D?, darkfactor.org
See Marion Spengler et al. (2015): Student characteristics and behaviours at age 12 predict occupational success 40 years later over and above childhood IQ and parental socioeconomic statusJournal of Personality and Social Psychology 51 (9), pp. 1329-1340.
Translated from the English by Douglas Rushkoff (2022): Survival of the Richest - Escape Fantasies of the Tech BillionairesNorton, p. 34.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 120.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 125.
Cf. Douglas Rushkoff (2022): Survival of the Richest - Escape Fantasies of the Tech BillionairesNorton, p. 3.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 301.
See Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, and: Ramani Durvasula (2024): It's Not You - How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People, Penguin.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 341f.
Cf. Ramani Durvasula (2024): It's Not You - How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People, Penguin, pp. 71 & 229.
translated from English by Ramani Durvasula (2019): "Don't You Know Who I Am?" - How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, Post Hill Press, p. 57.
Mohamed, when I wanted to buy your book, I visited a large bookshop. Despite displaying it in the system, the staff couldn't find it. Finally, I found it in another branch of the same chain on the shelf for "spirituality guides". Is this a suitable category? Is it confusing to categorise your work here?
In fact, this has already happened to me. I work with a large publishing house that has excellent distribution and is one of the leaders on the German book market. Nevertheless, there are many people who have difficulties understanding which books should be on which shelves. There was even a large book chain that has a conservative attitude and was initially strictly against including the book on its shelves. Some bookshops then sorted it into the spirituality or advice categories, which is actually not ideal for the book. "Let's talk about sex, Habibi!" has a feminist, queer and sex-positive approach and should therefore also be found on the appropriate shelves. Neither I as the author nor the publisher ultimately have the power to decide where it is placed. It is up to the bookshop to either place it on the shelf or not. However, this also highlights the challenge of presenting alternative, queer and feminist ideas or texts appropriately in order to make them accessible to a wider audience.
As feedback for your work, you are sometimes told: "You're really advanced for a Mohamed". Is that supposed to be a compliment?
That's a poisonous compliment. And unfortunately you also hear it in progressive circles. On the one hand, it's a recognition of my modernity and progressiveness. On the other hand, it automatically leads to people being categorised as "different". Am I someone who would approve of a conservative lifestyle? Of course not. But I have no power to tell someone not to be a believer or not to do Ramadan.
I see this feedback as a subtle form of racism. In addition, many people in Germany have difficulty pronouncing my name Mohamed correctly. In panel discussions or conversations with colleagues in various editorial offices, I regularly notice a real discomfort when they have to pronounce my name because it has negative connotations in their minds. In my first two books, I tried to deconstruct this bias. The assumption that you can deduce a person's character and personality from their first name alone is absurd. I can't claim that someone is evil just because their name is Heinrich. There are certainly bad Heinrichs, but it's superficial to think that way. Unfortunately, this is something that I and many other Mohameds encounter on a daily basis.
With your third book, however, you are exploring other questions.
Yes, after two books about white people, I wanted to change the perspective and put others at the centre. And since I grew up partly in Morocco and travelled all over North Africa as a reporter, it quickly became clear that I wanted to write about North Africa. As humans, we are interested in sexuality and the sexuality of others, and so desire, love and sexuality are really just ways and bridges to talk about many other things: feminism, queerness, migration, tourism and power imbalances, colonialism and post-colonial structures. People of North African descent are still viewed with a racist minus view. That's why I wanted to decolonise a bit and simply show the reality without romanticising it. So it's not about saying everything is great, but about saying, here's the overall picture and it makes little sense in its entirety, but that's just life and that's reality. You can find everything in North Africa, e.g. sex-positive traditions. But there are also extremist religious forces that are hostile to sexuality. You can find parties that you can only dream of in Berlin. But you also find regimes that pursue anti-queer or misogynistic policies and yet are labelled secular. That's why it's important for me to present the region a little differently.
How did you manage to guide us through the diversity without reinforcing clichés?
I had plenty of material for my book: growing up in Morocco, I experienced the full range of adolescent years there for 12 years. I also worked as a reporter in North Africa for over 10 years. These experiences motivated me to write the book, because the more intensively and frequently you observe, the more nuanced you can write about it. Despite my efforts to avoid clichés, I received critical feedback. In the book, for example, I deal with the belief in magic in Morocco, which was considered a cliché by some, but which corresponds to reality. As a reporter, it is not my job to whitewash things, but first and foremost to describe them and present them in an entertaining way.
You address a lot of topics in the book that can trigger discussions. Was it difficult for you to choose the topics?
It was important to me to address different topics. That's why I had a list of topics, including feminist theory, colonialism and post-colonialism. I've actually always kept a diary where I just write quickly and in detail - it's routine for me. I then consulted my field research diary and tried to illustrate precisely these topics from this pool. For each important topic, I told at least one anecdote to create a meta-level. I wrote many stories and then discarded them because the people involved didn't want to appear in the book. But others agreed and gave me more details.
One topic that reminds me of my life in Cairo is the unpleasant situations with the pharmacists who judge you when you buy condoms. Would you like to comment briefly on this?
For me, buying condoms everywhere was a kind of research. The job of a pharmacy is to look after the health of its customers, without ideological colouring and without making people feel guilty. I have described four condom purchases in the book, but there are 50 other stories that are completely different, even within the same country. In Tunis, for example, I had the misfortune of meeting an ultra-conservative Salafist pharmacist, in Oran-Algerie it was also an ultra-conservative Salafist, but he even wanted to sell me lubricant. There are now condom vending machines in every street in Morocco. I also have to say quite frankly that it is sometimes easier to get an HIV test in Casablanca than in some German cities. If you want to take a test as a person who is particularly affected by racism, you also get funny, sometimes racist comments in some places in Germany.
Sex tourism and the paedophile tendencies of some tourists in North Africa are mentioned in the book. Why do you think that some European tourists there believe they can cross borders?
It definitely has a colonial component, but in a contemporary sense. Colonialists have been travelling to North Africa and making use of it for a very long time. In the book, I try to outline these many journeys by Europeans. For example, there is a British author who travelled to Egypt and even recorded in great detail in his diary how minors were sexually harassed and then celebrated this as a great freedom. This applies to almost all countries in North Africa, except for Algeria, where it's a bit different. White People, especially tourists, can more or less do what they want in the region. I describe this scene in the book where a European tourist takes a minor to his room and he's not even afraid of being caught because he knows he can go very far. In Morocco, there was also the case of a Spanish paedophile who raped several minors and was then convicted following pressure from protests. He was then pardoned at the request of the Spanish king and sent back to Spain. Paedocriminal activity there mainly comes from tourists from Europe, but also from the Gulf States, as they bring certain financial resources with them. They know: It's close, cheap and associated with a rather lower risk compared to other countries. There are definitely red lines and borders being crossed, and as North African societies, we absolutely have to talk about this violence.
Who should we talk to?
With ourselves! In formerly colonised societies, there is still an inferiority complex in some places, but it is slowly being eroded. I was in Morocco recently and noticed that there is a bit more self-confidence. Twenty years ago, people were more like: "God, a European, a tourist. You have to offer him everything." Nowadays, people in society tend to say: "If you can't behave yourself, you're not wanted here as a tourist either." In Germany, it is often said that foreigners "do what they want and are criminals". But in my opinion, the most problematic foreigners are the Germans abroad.
In another story, a Moroccan comes to Europe through a fictitious marriage, but returns to Morocco after a while because he doesn't like it in Europe. I hear similar stories again and again. Why do people come after long and complicated planning and then just drop everything and go back?
The fact that many people have stopped orientating themselves towards Europe really fascinates me. Many of my friends used to say: "How stupid are your parents? You were in Germany and they brought you back. How stupid is it to go back to Africa?" However, this has decreased significantly and has a lot to do with the increased self-confidence I was talking about. People have become more self-confident and say: "Why should I go somewhere where I'm treated like dirt?" Many have decided to bury this dream or not even dream about it. Of course, this assumes that you are well off and have a good income in Casablanca or Cairo and are not under political pressure. Then you can simply say: "Fine, I'll just live my middle-class life." I encounter this much more often than in the past. There are also many people in North Africa who are not allowed to travel to Europe. Some don't even want to come to Germany to live here, they just want to take a selfie in front of the Brandenburg Gate for Instagram - they just want to do tourism, and this is a structural injustice. Why can Germans travel everywhere and not the other way round? For many young people, this is a pressure and a fundamental injustice. That's why I believe that it would be better for humanity to get by without borders and let people do it first and then see what happens. But that's just a utopia. It is often assumed that people like being in Germany. That may be true, but many have had to leave their home country for security reasons. It's not easy to put up with all the racism here, not to think about it and not to say to yourself, then I'll just leave again.
When your parents moved back from supposedly "sinful Germany" to "more conservative Morocco" in 1995, they were disappointed because there was a brothel opposite. It was a shock at first, but over time a friendship developed between your mother and a woman from the brothel. What could such a story reveal?
This shows how many people are open to simply rethinking their opinions. It is often said that Muslim women are dogmatic, do not think things through and are not open-minded. This story can illustrate very well that this is not true. I wouldn't say that my mother is necessarily in favour of sex work, but she is very pragmatic. It also shows that women in North Africa in particular are very skilful at dealing with different things and conflicts, and that they have a certain solidarity with each other. I lived in a popular neighbourhood in Cairo for a year and a half, and there I learned that many people survive because the women maintain a certain solidarity among themselves and there is a solidarity network in the neighbourhood. There's nothing like that in Germany, for example. During the pandemic, my neighbour could have died of COVID and I wouldn't even have known because people don't talk to each other in the same house.
The Fassbinder film "Angst essen Seele auf" also inspired you to write the book.
This film is definitely a playing field where you could tell a lot more about their characters than the film does. The story is about a Moroccan guest worker Ali, a good-looking man with muscles and an active sex life, who doesn't speak German well and ends up in Munich. There he begins an affair with Emmi, an older German woman. She tries to process her trauma as a perpetrator during National Socialism a little with this relationship. She at least witnessed how the Holocaust happened and how the neighbours were deported. In it, I saw the story of my father, how he first came to Germany all alone, where he fornicated with prostitutes and bars in Frankfurt's railway station district. I was at a reading in Essen a few weeks ago where we watched an excerpt from the film, the scene where Emmy's girlfriends come from the neighbourhood and want to touch Ali's muscles. One of them touches him and says: "He's so clean", because from a racist German perspective, North Africans are all dirty. And then Emmy says: "Yes, he washes himself... even showers... every day." Then Ali, who doesn't really understand much else, is very offended because he has understood this, and then he leaves the house. In the next scene, he's with another friend and then you see him completely naked. At the time, it was a scandal to show a man naked with a penis. But "North Africans" from whiter Showing the perspective was "ok". I then found out that Ali doesn't actually speak in the film, but only moves his lips to a spoken text, which was recorded by a German actor who speaks with an imaginary Moroccan accent. This film has so many absurd levels and I just found it very exciting to somehow take it apart critically. Also because it is celebrated in intellectual German circles as a milestone in German film history.
You can also find a language analysis here. It analyses how the word masturbation is expressed.
It started in Egypt, when a mate explained to me what expression they use for masturbating there: "ten strokes". I was surprised because it's very specific but doesn't make much sense. Then I asked other people what it meant and we came up with various theories, but no clear answer. That's how I came up with this topic: Linguistically questioning what masturbation is even called in men. In Tunis, they talk about scraping, which is not so gentle. In Algeria, because of colonialism, a French word has been Arabised. I wanted to share the linguistic diversity, but also show that people also talk about sexuality. Then I asked myself what people call masturbating with the vulva. At first I looked in German, but there is no sexy word for it. There are only very infantile expressions that you can't talk about in a sexy way, like "unpacking your handbag". This showed me that sexuality is focussed on men across language barriers and also shows how creative language could be. My conclusion is that a lot of people in North Africa have a lot of fun and also understand how to be liberated. However, various components have been added in retrospect: Colonialism, Islamism and other extreme forms of religious impositions. This has somewhat destroyed the openness in these societies, but there is a return to tradition.
I'll quote from the book now. "What bothers me: a whiter (polygamous) man is the maximum of progress and sexual liberation, a nonwhiter A man with more than one partner is the ultimate in oppression and misogyny." Do you want to tell me that?
It is absolutely absurd to celebrate one and criticise the other. But that shows the double standard. Either both are stupid or both are good. I recently read another text about polyamory in which there was a white Thomas had. He had three partners and that was fine. But that's actually nothing more than polygamy. Polygamy is no longer practised very often in North Africa and is also an expression of patriarchal structures, because women can't be polygamous, officially at least. But that also shows a bit of the double standard. Why is one good and the other not good? Because one is done by Thomas and the other by Mohamed. That's why it was important for me to take a critical look at this perspective. Then it doesn't really matter what the names of those involved are or where they come from. We also talk a lot here about family, social models and family law. And when we talk about family law, we also have to talk about divorce, for example. I write in the book about how difficult it is to get divorced in Germany and how easy it is to get divorced in Morocco, even as a woman. There is yet another reform in Morocco and it will be simplified even more soon. This also shows how backward German family law is compared to Moroccan family law.
In "Let's talk about Sex, Habibi" I found a broad spectrum from sex positivity to repression. Are there any particular messages you would like to pass on to readers?
If there is one message I want to send, it is that we should stop pigeonholing people. Hopefully people will be open enough to engage with this reality, to read the book and also to break down their own prejudices and racist ways of thinking about the region and the people. This also applies to the relevant diaspora groups here in Germany or in Europe. As a journalist, it is my job to name the grievances and classify them without romanticising or talking down anything. We also have to talk about sexualised violence, misogyny and queerophobia, and I have done that in detail in the book. What I'm also really pleased about is the very broad positive reception of this book, where many, including white Germans, say: "I would never have thought that. But thank you for letting me learn that." Or how I described my puberty in the early 2000s in our school playground in Morocco, and how all the porn CDs were in circulation and the boys secretly watched porn. Then Germans my age come up to me and say: "It was the same in our school playground." That's nice, because hormones work in a similar way everywhere. At a reading in Morocco, there was a table with only young cis straight men. They came and wanted to talk about the book. At another in Casablanca, half of the audience was queer and they also wanted to talk about it. Even in Germany, when young people who grow up in conservative families and have read the book suddenly turn up at my readings and say: 'For me, this was an opportunity to deal with myself in terms of identity. I think that's super nice and is of course the biggest compliment for me.
Thank you very much for the interview, Mohamed!
The freelance investigative journalist and author Mohamed Amjahid focuses on various topics, including racist structures in Germany and Europe as well as various forms of discrimination, in particular violence against refugees in Germany and at the EU's external borders. The core themes of his first two books, "Among Whites" and "The White Spot", are to analyse the historically evolved privileging of white The film aims to describe people and offer insights into mainstream society from different perspectives. He critically scrutinises what it means to be privileged. In 2022, his third book "Let's Talk About Sex, Habibi", which reveals many racist stereotypes through insights into the love, life and desires of North Africans.
Chris, thank you for taking the time. What was the starting point for the realisation of this research project?
The starting point for the project was that although there is a great deal of community knowledge, there was no reliable data available for German-speaking countries. Against the background of the international data situation, e.g. in North America, it was obvious that people from the trans and non-binary communities also belong to the vulnerable groups with regard to HIV and STI. This gave rise to the idea of collecting this missing scientific data together with the RKI.
What were the aims of the research project?
The goals were diverse. On the German AIDS service organisation side, we had 4 subject areas that interested us. These were
How is sexuality and language perceived and experienced?
What aspects play a role in a positive self-image?
What barriers are there to utilising existing services in the context of sexual health?
What factors influence sexual health?
The RKI's aim was to obtain data on the spread and prevalence of HIV and STIs in the relevant communities and to identify factors that play a role in sexuality and therefore in sexual risks. In other words, to determine needs and experiences in the context of sexuality, HIV, prevention, counselling and care.
In other words, the RKI was more concerned with the quantitative part and the DAH with the qualitative part. Can you outline this in more detail? In other words, how was the project structured and how important was participatory research?
The participatory research approach was the element that connected both parts. From the outset, it was important for both sides to involve community representatives. For example, there was a project advisory board made up of representatives from the communities that accompanied the project from start to finish. The advisory board played a critical role in the monitoring process, for example in the context of feedback loops. However, it was also important that the project was consistently carried out and implemented by people who were and are themselves representatives of the relevant communities, despite a number of staff changes during the course of the project.
The online questionnaire was also developed in a participatory manner at the RKI and was completed by over 3,000 people in the end.
At DAH, we also conducted interviews in various forms. What was unique and new was that we combined the data collection with elements of empowerment for the participants. At the weekend events, for example, we initially wanted to create a space that allowed people to talk about these very intimate topics of sexuality and sexual health and to show their vulnerability in the process. It was important to us that everyone could benefit and take something away with them. We didn't just want to "explore" the people, we also wanted everyone to be able to take something away with them at the end. Be it new contacts, new perspectives or new knowledge. In addition to these three weekend events, there were also one-day events, two completely anonymous online events and four individual interviews. In the individual interviews, it was important to us to reflect the perspectives that were neglected in the other surveys. We had a total of 59 participants in the qualitative part.
After a tweet from the RKI, there was a huge shitstorm and TERFs, as well as other opponents, were called upon to sabotage the survey. Of the 10,000 completed questionnaires, only 3,000 could be analysed in the end.
That really sounds like a very exciting and worthwhile approach. What challenges did you face in the project?
One of the biggest challenges with the questionnaire was that it had to be subjected to very intensive data cleansing. The reason for this was that there was a huge shitstorm after a tweet from the RKI and TERFs and other opponents were called upon to sabotage the survey. Of the 10,000 completed questionnaires, only the 3,000 mentioned above could be included in the final analysis. This also shows once again how much rejection there is and how active the opposing side is online. Nevertheless, and this is the most important thing: so many people honestly filled in this questionnaire of more than 100 questions because the topic was important to them.
Another challenge was that we unfortunately did not manage to reach all people from the different trans and non-binary communities in the qualitative part. For example, there were only a few trans women or HIV-positive participants overall.
Perhaps we should have organised another weekend explicitly for trans women only. But these are very important findings that we would like to try to take more into account in follow-up projects. Because if the study has shown one thing, and this is not really a surprise, it is how diverse the trans and non-binary communities are overall.
This brings us to the results. What are the key results and findings of the study?
I would once again differentiate between RKI and DAH. An overarching key finding was the diversity of the communities in terms of gender identities, but also in terms of sexual orientations and bodies and lived sexuality. A broader understanding of safer sex among the participants, which goes far beyond the understanding of safer sex as protection against HIV/STI and also includes, for example, psychosocial aspects such as consent and communication, is one of the key findings. The aspect of consensus and communication in particular ran through all the events. That it is important to be asked how body parts are named, but also to ask questions yourself. It became clear that it takes more than pure HIV/STI prevention to feel safe to live one's own sexuality with others.
On the other hand, there was also a not-so-surprising finding that highlighted the inadequate care situation for trans and non-binary people in the area of sexual health and the counselling and testing landscape. Nationwide, three projects were repeatedly mentioned in the interviews that were rated as good. In the qualitative section, projects with a peer-to-peer approach were rated particularly highly. Projects without such an approach tended to be rated lower. However, this is also a point in which the results of the RKI and the DAH differ, as the RKI also explicitly asked about this again. According to the RKI survey, 62.4% of people were also satisfied with the counselling, even if it did not have a peer-to-peer approach.
The final key finding was how important prevention knowledge is for personal empowerment and the importance of knowledge sharing in communities and between peers. These are factors that lead to taking care of oneself, one's own body and one's own sexual health and thus also generate a higher self-esteem.
The key finding of the RKI is that HIV/STI vulnerabilities occur in patterns similar to those described in the research literature. At the same time, the RKI was able to highlight the barriers that exist when it comes to making use of counselling and testing services in the health sector. For example, shame and previous or feared experiences of discrimination in the counselling setting are factors that lead to people virtually anticipating discrimination and thinking twice about whether to take up this offer because they expect to have similar experiences again.
People come to counselling as people seeking advice and end up having to explain the reality of their own lives to the person giving the advice.
You have already mentioned some of the obstacles that trans and non-binary people face with regard to their sexual health and protection against HIV/STIs. Would you like to add any more and what can be done about them?
In particular, the lack of adequate services explicitly aimed at trans and non-binary people is one of the biggest hurdles. But also the lack of knowledge in the various areas. On the one hand, the very different levels of knowledge in the trans and non-binary communities, but also the lack of access to or lack of appropriate resources. On the other hand, the lack of knowledge on the part of the counsellors. Many participants reported that there is often a role reversal. In other words, people come to counselling as people seeking advice and end up having to explain the reality of their own lives to the counsellor. This imbalance should not exist and must therefore be urgently addressed and reduced by means of nationwide training (based on a training curriculum) by counselling centres by building up knowledge. The experiences mentioned above, such as invasive questions, deadnaming when calling or the use of incorrect pronouns, also play a special role here. According to the survey, this lack or scarcity of knowledge in the counselling centres was one of the main hurdles.
What other aspects play a special role in sexual health and protection against HIV/STIs for trans and non-binary people?
A particularly important aspect is that people feel addressed by the counselling and taken seriously in order to get what they need and help them further.
This can be new knowledge or physical self-awareness through body appropriation. Sharing experiences with other people from the community can help reduce anxiety and make you feel more confident. Getting tested together with friends can also help to reduce anxiety and take care of each other's sexual health. This can definitely be a small happening, so perhaps go to a café together beforehand and then get tested afterwards. Community can play an important role here.
Don't be alarmed, now comes a small block of questions, but they all belong together: What are the prevalences in relation to HIV/STIs and how do they differ compared to other groups? What specific factors lead to people from trans and non-binary communities having an increased vulnerability to HIV and other STIs? And what role does this have for future HIV/STI prevention?
HIV prevalence in the trans and non-binary communities is 0.7%, which is significantly higher than in society as a whole, where it is 0.1%. Compared to the prevalence of HIV in MSM, it is significantly lower. According to the last EMIS study from 2017, this is 11%. A new EMIS study is currently underway that will update this figure again. Based on these two comparison groups, however, it is already very clear that a prevalence seven times as high is not insignificant. Nevertheless, it is also important to differentiate between the trans and non-binary communities, as these have different prevalence rates.
This internalised trans negativity is particularly evident in a quote from our study, which I would like to quote here: "I already trust my counterpart with my trans body. I don't feel like I have to insist that we use a condom."
An important factor for the increased vulnerability is the social stigmatisation of trans and non-binary people and their internalisation. This internalised trans negativity is particularly evident in a quote from our study, which I would like to quote here: "I already trust my counterpart with my trans body. I don't feel like I have to insist that we use a condom." That's blatant and incredibly difficult to hear. But it also shows the consequences that self-image and self-worth have on lived sexuality.
At the same time, shame was also an important factor, and we also identified the lack of knowledge in relation to safer sex, barrier methods, STIs etc. as stress factors. At this intersection, body dysphoria and transition processes, such as gender reassignment surgery, are further factors that can also have an impact on one's own protective behaviour. Finally, counselling and testing services also play an important role. People reported negative experiences that they themselves had had with services that labelled themselves as trans-inclusive, but where basic things such as the difference between trans men and trans women were not known.
These experiences are continuing and that would also be the point where future prevention work should start. In other words, the creation of needs-orientated services and peer-to-peer offers. We need more knowledge, more sensitisation and greater consideration of trans and non-binary people in their living environments and realities. This should definitely be taken on board for future prevention work.
What protection strategies are available for trans and non-binary people with regard to HIV and STIs? Are these already known or is there a lack of knowledge in certain areas, so that some are perhaps not considered?
It is fundamental to say that the communities themselves are very diverse and so are the protection strategies within them, again with regard to very different levels of knowledge. Some people are well informed, others rather poorly. For example, the Condom as a protection strategy, but for many it was also the only protection strategy they knew. Knowledge of other protection strategies depends on the subcommunities in which individuals move. For example, trans and non-binary people who are more likely to be in gay communities even those who have at least heard of the PrEP and the PEP have heard of them. This does not mean that they have taken them themselves, but that they were familiar with them.
Other things that were mentioned were lick cloths, but also practices such as peeing after sex or hand hygiene. That's how different the levels of knowledge and understanding of protection strategies were.
What about the use of HIV/STI counselling services? What experiences do trans and non-binary people have in these settings? What is already working well, what needs to be improved? Are there best practice examples of successful counselling services or approaches?
The participants reported that they also repeatedly experience discriminatory situations in HIV/STI counselling services, whether at local AIDS service organisations or other services.
Peer-to-peer programmes were generally rated positively. What all best practice examples have in common is that they are mainly found in large cities. Many people sometimes have to travel very long distances to take advantage of these services, which highlights the problem of comprehensive care and services. So-called testing days specifically for trans and non-binary people, and in some cases also inter people, are also well received.
Above all, the expansion of peer-to-peer services was recommended and also that services that do not have a peer-to-peer approach should undergo further training in order to sensitise themselves and demonstrate an appreciative and non-aggressive manner. This means that counselling should be respectful, especially with regard to gender identity, names and pronouns, and this should be collected using questionnaires, for example, so that the doctor knows how the person would like to be called. Unfortunately, it still happens far too often that people are called by their dead name, i.e. the old name they have filed away, or that they are addressed with the wrong gender. These are all problems that often happen before the actual counselling and then of course have a lot to do with how I approach the counselling. This means that the entire practice team needs to be sensitised to these aspects.
What are the most important recommendations for counselling on sexual health and HIV/STI that have emerged from the study?
On the one hand, there is information tailored to trans and non-binary people, which should also be known to counsellors or can be used for appropriate further training. This is also associated with an appreciative attitude, respectful and appreciative language and the counselling centres should recognise the diversity of the trans and non-binary communities and be geared towards them. Intersectional approaches are needed, particularly with a view to diversity, in order to reach as many people as possible.
In the future, we need to consider what it means to work in an intersectional way and review existing programmes accordingly. For example, if I only reach white trans and non-binary people, then it is not an intersectional approach. Then I have to check what I can do so that I can also reach other people.
What do the results mean for existing community projects in the field of sexual health and HIV/STI prevention?
We should bear in mind that not all communities are the same, but that they are very diverse and that we should rather speak of communities here. Not all projects that claim to be queer have explicitly dealt with trans and non-binary lifeworlds or are not automatically competent in trans issues. In future, it will be necessary to consider what it means in concrete terms to work intersectionally and to review the existing programmes in this regard. It is important to sharpen the focus and realise who I want to reach and who I have (not) reached so far. If, for example, I only white trans and non-binary people, then it's not an intersectional approach. Then I have to check what I can do so that I can also reach other people. Future or existing community projects should also be able to scrutinise themselves, reflect and clarify for themselves who they specifically want to reach and compare this with the status quo in order to then make adjustments and see what needs to change in order to reach more people or reach the people they want to reach.
Have things already changed or developed after the study was carried out? If so, which ones and what is the next step with the results?
At DAH, we have designed a follow-up project (SeBiCo), which is funded by Techniker Krankenkasse. With a view to the recommendation, we have set ourselves the goal of transferring knowledge to the communities on the one hand and promoting peer-to-peer work on the other. The first step is to train twelve multipliers who themselves come from the trans and non-binary communities. We want to train them as trainers who will then lead peer-to-peer workshops. In other words, we are ultimately developing two different curricula, one curriculum for the trainer training and then a curriculum for the peer-to-peer workshops. The idea is that the people we train can subsequently implement these workshops themselves in the cities in which they live, linked to the local AIDS service organisations or other providers. This promotes dialogue with the community, but also among the multipliers. It was not easy to select the twelve multipliers, as there was a great deal of interest in the training series. We are very pleased to get to know these people personally.
We are ultimately developing two different curricula, one curriculum for the trainer training and then a curriculum for the peer-to-peer workshops. The idea is that the people we train can subsequently implement these workshops themselves in the cities in which they live, linked to the local AIDS service organisations or other providers.
Is there anything else that is important for you to say and should definitely not be missing from our interview?
For me, it's nice to see what's happening now after the research report and the brochure.
With the follow-up project, we now have a new training ground to reorganise ourselves and approach things differently. The new multiplier training is a kind of live development in which we have to be very flexible if we realise that something might not be quite right and then consider how we can do it differently. I'm really looking forward to being involved right from the start.
Thank you very much for your time and the insights into the study results as well as the outlook for the upcoming follow-up project, for which I wish you every success.
You can find more information about the research project here. You can download the brochure free of charge from the Shop of the Deutsche Aidshilfe or here download. The more detailed research report is available on the website of the RKI to find. And here you can find the follow-up project "Sexual education in trans and non-binary communities" (SeBiCo).
I am a whiter gay cis man. And I am addressing others in particular white gay cis men. At a time when discussions about gender, inclusion, diversity, intersectionality, trans hostility and racism are becoming ever louder, even within the gay community, quite a few people, especially those who are gay, feel that they are not the only ones to be affected. white cis gays feel a certain discomfort.
I recently observed how this discomfort was caused by another person. white gay cis man was described as shame. The discussion about diversity and anti-discrimination, for example also about racism within the gay community, would be a shame for gay, queer and bi+ men (implicitly meant here, of course, by white cis gay and bi+ men) reinforce feelings of shame. This is despite the fact that prevention and community work - for example by AIDS service organisations - is actually intended to reduce feelings of shame and positively reinforce gay sexuality.
But is this discomfort really shame? Or could it not be a different phenomenon - namely cognitive dissonance - act?
Understanding cognitive dissonance
But what is cognitive dissonance? The term comes from social psychology. Cognitive dissonance describes a state of feeling that is perceived as unpleasant and arises when two cognitions that exist simultaneously in a person contradict each other.
Whew! Sounds complicated! To put it simply, it's the feeling we have when what we do doesn't match what we believe or think is right. This sometimes unconsciously unpleasant feeling of cognitive dissonance arises, for example, when we are convinced that it is urgently necessary to emit less CO2 into the environment and at the same time fly by plane from Hamburg to Munich. Our conviction ("we need to reduce CO2") is then not in harmony with our actions ("I am currently emitting a lot of CO2 into the air with my short domestic flight"). This triggers an unpleasant feeling in people. And this feeling is called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance in the gay community
Logically, this feeling of cognitive dissonance can also arise when we believe in the equality of people, in diversity and respect, but then (even unconsciously) reproduce trans hostility or racism, for example. And especially when someone points this out to us.
In the gay community, too, we often find ourselves in discussions about topics such as violence, power, consent, trans hostility, racism and #MeToo. But because we don't know the term cognitive dissonance, because we don't understand the concept behind it, we can't be fully aware of what exactly this unpleasant feeling is that we're experiencing. Nevertheless, we are aware of this unpleasant feeling. And because we can't categorise it properly, we sometimes give it a different name. For example, shame.
The role of shame
There is actually a lot of shame among us gay, queer and bi+ men. Shame plays a central role in our socialisation. Far too often, we internalise the shame that mainstream society imposes on us. We are taught that we are not right. And we must be ashamed of our sexuality.
This shame is real. And it must be fought. However, it is not the same as cognitive dissonance, which can also manifest itself as shame, but does not come from outside, but from the inner conflict between what we believe in and what we do. Cognitive dissonance suggests that we need to take a critical look at ourselves. And that can be very unpleasant.
Dealing with cognitive dissonance
There are various ways in which people can react to cognitive dissonance. One option would be to simply change their own values. In other words, to throw their belief in human rights, anti-discrimination, respect and tolerance overboard. There are certainly people for whom this would be possible. In such cases, they are often people who are capable of little to no empathy. This is the case with narcissistic or psychopathic people, for example. However, as most people are neither narcissistic nor psychopathic, this possibility is hardly an option for them.
Another option would be to change the actions instead of the values. For example, if someone draws my attention to something problematic that I have said, I can thank them for it, correct myself and not repeat it. I then actively bring my actions into line with my values.
Defence mechanisms
However, there is a third, more complex but very frequently used option: people can also use the Perception of their actions so that they appear to agree with their values. Even though they don't. This happens, for example, through certain psychological defence mechanisms. One defence mechanism can be denial, for example. For example, we often deny that we have said or done something racist or trans-hostile when someone points it out to us. Denial helps us to maintain the appearance that our actions are in line with our values.
Another defence mechanism can be justification. For example, we justify racist asylum policies as necessary, even though human rights organisations criticise them and point out alternatives. Or we justify our racist statements against Muslim refugees with the false claim that they are a danger to queer people. The justification as necessary helps us to (supposedly) get rid of the unpleasant feeling of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a good sign
But cognitive dissonance is a positive thing. Why? Because I would be much more worried if a person didn't feel any cognitive dissonance at all. Such people are often individuals who are highly psychopathic or narcissistic. People who are capable of little to no empathy and who are also indifferent to values such as mutual respect and inclusion. The perception of cognitive dissonance is therefore initially a good sign. It shows: Empathy is important to me. Respect for other people is important to me. It is important to me that I do not discriminate against other people.
Proactively dealing with cognitive dissonance
So how do you deal proactively and mindfully with feelings of cognitive dissonance? First of all, it is important to become aware of when you are experiencing cognitive dissonance. Because quite often you feel a certain discomfort, but you can't really grasp or name it. And this can then lead to you feeling attacked and switching to denial or justification strategies.
By being aware of the feeling of cognitive dissonance, you can then be more mindful of yourself, other people and your own actions and statements. Mindfulness also means not perceiving it as an attack or shame when someone points out something racist or trans-hostile that I have said or done. Shame means that I consider myself to be "wrong", "bad". However, structural systems of discrimination such as racism are less about me as an individual and much more about us as a society. A society that socialises us as individuals in a racist way. I can therefore see it as an opportunity to unlearn racism and trans hostility. I can also feel grateful for that. Because it is an opportunity to become more authentic. It is a sign of deep integrity when my values are in line with my actions.
And at the end of the day, that's what most of us want.
There is only one drug authorised for PrEP in Germany. It is hardly available at the moment. Some pharmacies have remaining stocks, but more and more PrEP users are going without. Patients have also had to switch to other medications for their HIV treatment. A situation that is likely to continue until at least March 2024. This was reported by the Association of Outpatient Physicians for Infectious Diseases and HIV Medicine (dagnä) in a Press Release.
In some cities, PrEP is no longer available at all, as IWWIT has learned from local organisations. In others, such as Berlin, some surgeries are only prescribing monthly packs so that the medication lasts longer - normally one pack lasts for three months. The situation is getting worse by the day.
The reasons for the problem are complex. For example, according to our information, two factories have production problems. There also appear to be individual difficulties in the supply chain and increased demand. Price differences on the European pharmaceutical market are also likely to play a role: Manufacturers in many neighbouring countries apparently receive more money for their medicines than in Germany.
Jonathan Gregory, Head of IWWIT: "It's difficult to say when the situation will ease again. One thing is clear: we have a shortage and not all people who need the medication for PrEP or therapy can be supplied at the moment. There's nothing to gloss over."
Nevertheless, there are still some ways in which PrEP users can obtain their medication. Below are our suggestions for dealing with this difficult situation.
What PrEP users can do now
Contact HIV pharmacies
If your pharmacy no longer has PrEP, contact a pharmacy. Member of the HIV-competent pharmacies working group (DAHKA). These pharmacies exchange information with each other and support each other in supplying PrEP if there are still stocks available. You can also make enquiries via online pharmacies. To do this, ask your doctor for an e-prescription. This makes ordering much easier.
Individual imports from abroad
Pharmacies can try to order the PrEP medication abroad if they obtain prior authorisation from the health insurance company. Some pharmacies do not know this or are afraid of the effort involved. It is best to ask for an "individual import in accordance with Section 73 (3) of the German Medicines Act (AMG)". However, there is no guarantee that the pharmacy will do this and that medication will be available abroad.
Occasion-related PrEP
For some users of daily continuous PrEP, it could also be an option to switch, at least temporarily, to so-called event-related PrEP, where you only take tablets before and after (planned) sex. You can find more information on this at aidshilfe.de/hiv-prep/einnahmeschema.
Approach the practice early for therapy
If you are using the combination of emtricitabine plus tenofovir disoproxil in your HIV treatment, contact your doctor's surgery before your tablets run out so that there is enough time to try to obtain new ones.
Check other safer sex options
If nothing helps, you can consider whether other safer sex options such as condoms or protection through therapy are an option for you until PrEP is available again.
Deutsche Aidshilfe is campaigning for security of supply for HIV drugs and has called on the Federal Ministry of Health and the Federal Institute for Drugs and Medical Devices (BfArM) to solve the supply problems.
"We won't let up until everyone who needs the medication for PrEP or therapy gets it. You can count on it!" says IWWIT campaign leader Gregory.
What is the idea behind SMART Berlin - Who do you advise and how does counselling usually work?
SMART Berlin is a counselling centre and information project for (cis and trans) male, non-binary and trans female sex workers. Our aim is to offer sex workers a wide range of support - whether they are starting out, exiting, reorienting or professionalising. We offer counselling and information on all kinds of topics related to this work: sexual health, rights, laws, dealing with clients and colleagues, resources needed, etc. Sex workers can come to our regular weekly counselling sessions. Or they can contact us via email, phone or social media.
What is the life situation of the people who come to you?
The people who come to us are often at different points in their careers, but all have the desire to somehow make their work more professional, more successful and also less precarious. Some are just starting out, others have been with us for a long time. People often have a specific need, such as an STI test, or are looking for certain resources. Or they are unsure how to deal with a certain law that affects their work. As the lives of sex workers change frequently, many are often only visiting Berlin and we see them again when they are back in the city.
Frequently asked questions concern, for example, sexual health, which we address with information and the opportunity to visit a doctor who works with us. There are also often uncertainties about the so-called Prostitute Protection Actwhich, for example, provides for the compulsory registration of sex workers. Here, too, we try to provide as much information as possible about the risks and rights. Apart from that, of course, everyday working life plays a major role, dealing with customers, advertising your own services, etc. It is not uncommon for people to also have very personal needs to explore how they can deal with other life factors, such as migration or trans identity, in relation to their work.
Unfortunately, people in sex work live and work in the shadows, sometimes leading downright double lives. This is due to the persistent social stigmatisation, institutional discrimination and legal disadvantages.
Sex work is certainly less taboo than it used to be - but people still work in an area that is socially little or not recognised at all. How does this affect the escorts you speak to?
Unfortunately, people in sex work live and work in the shadows, sometimes leading downright double lives. This is due to the persistent social stigmatisation (e.g. lack of acceptance by family and friends, lack of appreciation of the work and generally widespread prejudices), institutional discrimination (e.g. in the housing and labour market or in banking), as well as legal discrimination (e.g. through the obligation to register or the overlap with migration requirements).
For many, this naturally leads to insecurities and (existential) fears. Some internalise feelings of shame, while others are very proud of themselves and their work and demand the rights and recognition to which they are entitled. The reactions to these complex problems are therefore very different, but everyone agrees that they deserve better treatment from society, but also from the state and politicians.
At this point, we also see a social responsibility: in discussions, terms such as (forced) prostitution, human trafficking and sex work are repeatedly mixed up, which ultimately harms all those affected and does not offer them the necessary support. We should listen to the people affected and avert coercion in the causes, as well as meet the needs of sex workers and support them in their life situations.
In discussions, terms such as (forced) prostitution, human trafficking and sex work are repeatedly mixed up, which ultimately harms all those affected.
Now we've had two to three years of the pandemic, how has that changed sex work overall?
During the pandemic, the problems that already existed increased significantly. Income went down the drain, homelessness increased. Many had to continue working somehow but wanted to stay healthy at the same time. At times, there was a ban on sex work, which was one of the last COVID measures to be relaxed - at a time when clubs, restaurants and massage parlours had long since reopened. The already difficult situation was exploited to make calls for a ban on sex work more acceptable, and sex workers were sometimes chalked up as a health risk in the old fashioned way. Of course, trust is also lost among those affected when such discriminatory statements are made. We have noticed that the climate against sex workers has become harsher and more aggressive in some cases, both politically and on the street.
At the same time, the work of counselling centres like ours has of course also been affected by COVID, which is why we have not been able to offer the level of support we would have liked or needed. We have noticed that mental health, social isolation, loss of contact and drug use have become more prevalent issues since the pandemic.
However, sex workers have an incredible amount of patience and finesse to adapt to changing conditions and find their own way of dealing with them. Access to resources and dialogue with colleagues are crucial criteria for making a difference.
We are living in difficult economic times, do you think this also affects sex work? Can sex workers still make a living from their work?
Of course, the difficult economic situation also affects sex workers. Not only is less money being spent on sexual services and therefore less income is available, but the cost of living has also risen and more money is being spent on rent, food, clothing, etc. As in all self-employed professions, it is often unclear how much money you will actually earn. Sometimes there is a good month that allows you to build up reserves, sometimes there is a bad month where you have to rely on your own savings. Planning for the future is therefore much more difficult. Many sex workers therefore often work in other jobs or use their skills for other professions, thus providing a kind of basic security. Nonetheless, many people value sex work as a relatively flexible and independent way of earning an income. The economic circumstances are very different for all sex workers and are individually characterised. There are people who want to escape poverty through sex work and still live and work precariously, and there are also people who offer sexual services very successfully and do so as a full-time job and sole source of income. In both cases, the activity must be understood and respected as work and the focus should be on how people can work and live in a better, safer and more self-determined way. What makes the difference and influences experiences are often intersecting forms of discrimination or privilege: language skills, migration status, gender, different access to resources or communities etc. Unfortunately, all of this also makes a difference to earnings and everyday working life.
PrEP is a big topic in the scene. How do you deal with it, what advice do you have? Also with regard to sexually transmitted diseases and sexual health in general?
Our health counselling naturally also includes the topic of PrEP and we advise the use of PrEP and mediate with organisations to obtain them. At the same time, we also clarify that PrEP only protects against HIV, but not against other, sometimes even more common sexually transmitted diseases. We therefore recommend using condoms at the same time - especially as the use of condoms is also prescribed in the so-called Prostitutes Protection Act. [Editor's note: Condoms protect against HIV transmission. They also reduce the risk of contracting other sexually transmitted diseases. However, they do not offer complete protection against sexually transmitted diseases. That's why regular tests are important. More information at www.iwwit.de/kondome.] Many sex workers are interested in not contracting sexually transmitted diseases, after all, their own body is also a work tool somewhere and there would be no paid sick leave in the event of a breakdown. We therefore encounter interest and initiative in this topic and realise that many sex workers already have at least some basic knowledge on the subject and would like to find out more.
Caspar is a sex worker. And he is trans*male. Caspar likes his job. For him, sex work is a job like any other, which he sometimes finds great, sometimes shitty. Caspar takes PrEP to protect himself from HIV.
Sex under the influence of drugs or substances is also a topic that occupies the scene. What advice would you give to people whocome to you?
Our approach is that of "harm reduction", i.e. the reduction of dangers. We provide information on the safer use of drugs or, if necessary, refer people to medical staff and addiction support centres. In terms of work, we believe that it is best to work sober, also in order to be better able to deal with potentially dangerous situations. However, the demand for chemsex from clients is sometimes high. We therefore also appeal to customers to act fairly and responsibly when booking sexual services.
Currently, the so-called "Prostitutes Protection Act" is perceived more as harassment, discrimination and (partial) criminalisation than as protection. What is really needed is equal treatment by law and the establishment of actual (labour) rights - with the participation and consultation of sex workers themselves.
You are not an activist alliance, but nevertheless the question: Have youDemands on politicians, such as the Senate, on what needs to change when it comes to sex workshould? What do the escorts want?
As a funded advice centre, we are in contact with the Senate and try to contribute our expertise to various working groups. We see ourselves clearly on the side of sex workers and try to improve their situation wherever possible. As sex work is a deeply politicised and regulated professional field, we naturally also have perspectives on politics that are influenced by contact with our clientele. In Berlin, we participated in the "Sex work round table" with the Senate, authorities, operators and sex workers. Very good recommendations for action were developed, but these have not yet been sufficiently implemented. We would like to see these ideas implemented faster and better. At the same time, projects that support sex workers or are even led by sex workers themselves must be further promoted and expanded.
What we often hear from sex workers is that they would like to see a revision of the current legal situation. At the moment, the so-called "Prostitutes Protection Act" is perceived more as harassment, discrimination and (partial) criminalisation than as protection. What is really needed is equal treatment by law and the establishment of actual (labour) rights - with the participation and consultation of the sex workers themselves. Such a legal text would also be an important prerequisite for countering the ongoing stigmatisation and discrimination of sex workers. On the one hand, we need to provide better education in society, but we also need to enshrine equal treatment and an improvement in living conditions in law. If sex work is currently subject to heaps of special regulations, is portrayed as immoral or a health risk, then it is not surprising that discrimination against sex workers continues and even causes existential problems for institutions, for example if someone cannot apply for a flat because they cannot declare their job or if a bank once again blocks the account of a person in sex work. We therefore hope that our work and the important work of other colleagues will be continued and promoted, that those affected will receive more support, that their needs will be met through legal rights and that the many forms of discrimination and stigmatisation will be countered through education and equal treatment.
The history of the term "intersectionality" begins in the 1980s. At the end of this decade, the African-American legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw looked at legal rulings following discrimination claims in court. She noticed that the legal system had a number of gaps. The case of DeGraffenreid v. General Motors. At the end of the 1970s, the car manufacturer General Motors had almost all Black workers were dismissed. General Motors was then sued. The accusation: the company was acting in a racist and sexist manner.
The court did not recognise the discrimination
However, the court ruled that this could not be a case of racism: After all, there were still people working at the company Black Men. According to the court, this could not be sexism either. After all, many women still worked in the company: white Women. The court considered racism and sexism to be separate phenomena.
Kimberlé Crenshaw criticised the fact that racism and sexism cannot be viewed separately. Rather, the two forms of discrimination are intertwined here. She called this entanglement "intersectionality". The term comes from the English word "intersections", which means "intersections". And this shows how intersectionality is often misunderstood: It is precisely not is a mere addition of sexism and racism. Rather, this intersection creates a completely new form of discrimination. This means that this Black women have had experiences that neither Black Men, still white Women experience.
Intersectionality is not an addition of discrimination
Of course, the same applies to the diversity of gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men. A Black gay man has experiences that white gay men don't have. He also has experiences that Black heterosexual men do not have. In the same way, a gay trans* man has experiences that neither heterosexual trans* men nor gay cis men have. And similarly, a gay man who uses a wheelchair experiences discrimination that neither non-disabled gay men nor disabled heterosexual men do.
This is what is meant by the concept of intersectionality. It calls for a sharper focus on mechanisms of discrimination and more attention to detail. Otherwise, we run the risk of not recognising discrimination as such. As was the case in court at General Motors. Kimberlé Crenshaw himself commented on this:
"Intersectionality is a lens through which you can see where power arises and collides, where it intertwines and intersects. It's not simply a question of there being a race problem here, a gender problem here and a class or LBGTQ problem there. This framework often ignores what happens to the people who are affected by all of these things."
